i.
A car
lies in ambush;
metal beast bares
its fangs.
ii.
The leaves are
dead; corpses fill
the October
earth.
iii.
Dawn awakes,
sleepy clouds
stretch their
limbs.
These are more pseudo-ku. Hope you like em, and I hope brenden doesn't feel like I ripped him off too badly.
Posted Oct 24, 2016, 8:58 AM UTC
I dont really see how you ripped the guy from the first post off, you just used the same format as him and if that'd be riping off we'd have very few pieces of art in the world.
On your actual pseudo-kus I like them a lot, especially the second one because it's just a nice usage of words. Usually not a fan of artforms as restricting as the pseudo-ku, because the words feel kind of forced but yours dont run into that issue. Well done!
I was being facetious. Thanks for the words of praise!
What is this debauchery?! Of all that is good and holy, I thought you were my friend?!
But jokes aside, I enjoyed these! Each one has a striking image.
In i., I liked how you formatted "A car" as its own line and then followed it up with "lies in ambush;" I felt like it made it more sudden, which fits. I also liked the alliteration of "beast bares".
ii. is my favorite. Maybe I'm just a sucker for dark imagery, but holy shit, it's so great. I love it! Leaves are always painted in poetry to be this sweet little image but you found in October leaves a creative, darkly beautiful way of presenting them.
iii. I feel like wraps up the first two in a nice way by leaving it on a light note. I digged the personification of dawn, and feel like a pseudo-ku is the perfect form for this one (well for all of them, but especially this one.)
But I really enjoyed these; I hope to see you rip me off more in the future! :D (kidding hahah)
Thanks man :)