You were in my dream last night
You were in my dream last night,
the colours were assorted pastels and white.
I can still remember your hand
resting peacefully on my rib cage
and how I never wanted it to leave.
You were in my dream last night.
The focus was you, both heavy and light.
I kept awakening with the desire
to linger a little longer in the construct
and feel your breath on my cheek.
You were in my dream last night,
and even then it didn't feel right.
Even in fiction I can't choose you.
So instead I live between the here and there
with the false memory of your hands.
Posted Oct 25, 2016, 5:52 AM UTC · edited
118
Very representative of the ephemeral nature of dreams, I like it. I'm curious, why did you settle on "rib cage," as opposed to something warmer and more appealing to the sense of touch?
A warmer image might've been achieved if you had chosen something like "breast," "chest," "cheek,"or even "face." I think the warmer image would go nicely with the next line: "and how I never wanted it to leave."
Just the one thing that stood out to me. Great work, keep on writing :)
Thanks for the feedback! I chose rib cage for two reasons - one, because I wanted to foreshadow that the connection between the speaker the subject of her dream is not real and, two,I thought ribcage was a strange but effective choice because of how it's function is to protect the because there heart. I want to communicate dissonance (but longing) because she knows in both dreamland and awakeland that they shouldn't or can't be together.
What are your thoughts? Given what I'm going for, do you have a different suggestion that might communicate the better?
In that case, I think it does a good job of foreshadowing the non-reality of the relationship, but also highlighting the (literally) internal desire the speaker has for the subject. It makes sense the more I think about it, especially in tandem with the line in the third stanza: "and even then it didn't feel right." Quite frankly, it wouldn't feel right if someone had their hand directly on my rib cage. I'm really digging that imagery right now!
I think the dissonance you want is achieved here, seeing how much it threw me off initially. That's the thing about poetry... the more you read it, fight with it, and discuss it, the more poetic it becomes.
Cool!! Thank you for your help! It really helps me to understand my own work too when someone asks questions! Much appreciated :)