An answer held still however hollow
My dreams remain a state of grime
I only know what is said to follow
Yet unknown now the secrets of time
But what does that grout dare bring
Forever moving by stagnent touch
Not a single soul will rest for it rings
A sound seen by the many of much
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/595lvd/for_you_i_said_yes/d983p4x/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/598frd/the_static_night/d983siv/
Posted Oct 26, 2016, 4:40 AM UTC · edited
Only a suggestion: I wana say that "ring" would be grammatically correct and may sound better if it was "rings"
The rhyme needs minor work - bring/rings (the -s), but otherwise solid in that aspect. Meter is fairly good, but grammar suffers for the sake of same. Punctuation would be helpful, and I think 'stagnent' should be 'stagnant'. From a narrative standpoint, I don't see a whole lot happening in the piece, though that could be fixed with some expansion (another stanza or two). There's a lot of references to points/concepts that aren't in the poem, which is problematic from a reader's perspective - the answer, what is said to follow, the sound seen in the final line, etc.
Putting a double space at the end of each line will allow you to format it correctly. So this:
An answer held still however hollow[space][space][enter]My dreams remain a state of grime[space][space][enter]etc...
Would yield this:
An answer held still however hollow
My dreams remain a state of grime
etc...
See?
Thank you, I edited the post and did that on mobile. Idk if it worked.
Yes, it worked! :)
Cool! Thanks again