Somewhere in America
Some single mother's youngest son
just found his bike lock sheared.
His blistered fingers twist in fists
to smear escaping tears,
to fight the fear, the shame and blame
felt more so by his brother,
who stole and sold the bike to buy
prescription pills for their mother.
Edit: As a US citizen, this is my obligatory election year poem
Posted Oct 26, 2016, 2:03 PM UTC · edited
My perspective: don't change anything the commenters here have told you to change. The way I see it, what they've complained about so far is basically perfect. I think the irregularity in the meter in the last line is just fine. It's unsettling in a lovely, subtle way: the last line contains the major revelation of the poem, and it significantly subverts our expectations of what the brother was doing with the money; therefore, I think it's only fitting that it contains one subtle, subversive hitch in the natural flow of the meter. Just as the content of the line throws our expectations of the narrative arc, the form of the meter throws our expectations of metrical regularity. It's also fitting that the word which violates the meter is "their", which implies the common interests and common bond of the two siblings, the actions of one of whom will likely result in a tragic rift in the family.
I don't have much to critique here. Great alliteration, strong use of the ballad form--not to mention highly accessible. Really good stuff here. Just one minor suggestion though: to emphasize the rhymes, I'd suggest indenting the rhymed lines.
I appreciate everything you've said here. Tweaking the last line's meter is something I like because it can clearly emphasize a shift, but something I dislike because it's easy and can seem to give away information too readily. In this poem, I honestly just had trouble getting the meter to match, and decided to let the internet figure it out for me, but I still like it in its current form.
Indenting is a great suggestion, not something I usually think about, but it would definitely suit this poem.
Also thanks for mentioning alliteration! I try to write poems that are fun to read aloud, but I feel like most people just scan this sub without actually reading the poems. I was really proud of my internal rhymes here haha.
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This is a nice piece. I especially like the imagery of "blistered fingers twist in fists."
Thanks for calling that out! I initially had written a few other lines describing the boy doing lawn chores etc. to save up to buy the bike - hence the blisters, but had too much trouble with the meter. Hopefully that thought gets across without the explanation. Thanks for reading!
Hello there, this is a lovely ballad! Like Tsavich, the only critique I have is that the final line reads a bit off. I was going to suggest that you could alter it to "prescriptions for their mother", but that doesn't really make sense, and I like Tsavich's suggestion better.
Anyways well done, I enjoyed reading it.
That's workable. Thanks for the feedback!
His blistered fingers twist in fists > His blistered fingers twist to fists
prescription pills for their mother > prescription pills for mother.
I like your first suggestion. I initially had "into fists" but that didn't sound right. 'To' is nice because even though it's repeated a few more times, it's used differently. Thanks!
I just want to echo what other commenters have said about the final line being off. Otherwise, this is great and I love it!
Thank you!
I like the imagery. Nice use of adjectives as well.
Only critique I have is to remove 'their' from the final line- I think it makes the poem flows better as 'their' interrupts the quick flow of the rest of the poem. All in all, I think it's very well done.
That was a trade off between rhythm and language. I felt like 'buying pills for mother' has a kind of posh voice, which I'm not going for here. And if there's any acceptable place to change up the rhythm, it's the last line.
Still, there must be some middle ground where I can achieve the right voice and rhythm with different words. Hopefully someone else can find it!
maybe "mom" or "mama" in lieu of "their mother"?
this is a lovely poem, by the way! i made an account just to comment this.
Wow, thanks for taking the time! And that's a good suggestion, but then you lose the rhyme with 'brother'