Source
r/OCPoetry•
hereforthegainz

Nothing

Feedback Received!

When it comes on nothing matters, nothing can save you from being consumed by ripping tearing searing rage that rends the flesh from your own bones before turning to whatever else is in the room. Full but of emptiness, so much so that there is room for nothing else. Pain is reality and with enough pain everything else fades, and this moment is only nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing red hot and burning, storming through cold tired veins saying go, go, GO you FUCKING USELESS FUCK. There is nothing nothing nothing but rage that burns through the kindling of my life. Invisible nothing nothing nothing you cannot see or hear or feel it but it fills every room i am in, invisible nothing stealing away my life one moment at a time.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/59ho97/somewhere_in_america/d98t1mk/

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/59fixh/sweet_annie/d98t7ut/

Posted Oct 26, 2016, 6:04 PM UTC · edited

16
wyck_thayer•

This feels like a dark stream of consciousness rant. And while I totally get what it is like to be in a place like this, I think as far as poetry goes I think it needs more thought given to individual lines. Instead of just ranting I'd love to see some metaphors, some descriptive language, instead of telling me about this horrible depression and pain and rage, make me feel it.

2
hereforthegainzOP•

did you read the title? Have you heard of Prose before?

1
Gummyfail•

this guy was gently trying to explain what he found issue with in the piece (i agree with him) If you just want people to read it, without commenting on potential ways to improve, put it in the sharethread.

1
hereforthegainzOP•

Poetry isn't gentle friendo if you're trying to communicate something say it :) I asked questions because it is unclear.

1
voeko•

I can definitely see this as lyrics to a metal song. It's powerful and has a strange rhythm to it that makes me want to read it quickly again and again. I like it how you make strings of words work together to create strong and stylistic sentences ("ripping tearing searing" for example). There's much imagery and emotion here. I like it. Do you perhaps also make music?

1
straight_in_at_101•

I'm definitely getting a strong feeling emanating from this piece, but the emotions feel a bit inaccessible. It feels very one note, as it starts and ends very dark, but there is still a very personal factor coming from it, that I can identify with.

1