bone on bone
i watched the sunset last November alone
barefoot by the river, red clay between my toes
but i could feel you beside me
hand in hand
skin on skin
bone on bone
oh boy
it felt like home
and then you were gone
little shards of metal
ripped right through
every pretty piece of you
flames reflected
in your
cold quiet eyes
the sickly smell of burning tires
billowing black
beckoning back
two hearts beating in time
i held your secrets close to mine
and i’ll never forget the feeling of
hand in hand
skin on skin
bone on bone
suspended in the clear black of night
all those pretty lights
oh boy, you hold me right
please just hold me tight
cross my heart
for better and for worse
and hope to die
in sickness and in health
gone in the November sky
Posted Nov 13, 2016, 1:09 PM UTC · edited
I stir: Bittersweet emotion. Loss can be such a tragic thing, and yet is it not great that one could feel in a way that inspires such beautiful imagery.
Surely, this has to be true, at least this poem would claim.
I witness: This poem has a synesthesia feel to it. Musical flow when referencing the loved one while painting a breathtaking picture of context. Rhyming always leaves a bad taste in my mind, but it works wonderfully here.
I yearn: Is this based upon anecdotal experience? If so, I think it becomes that more potent.
I claim: Wonderful flow and imagery. Reminiscing about loved ones is a common theme, but you have done well to make this one feel special.
In terms of technique? This poem is simple, word choice is a bit cliche. It works though, so I think it is mostly dismissed, just be careful for future poems about usage of words. Juxtaposition is a wonderful tool, particularly with poems about a specific emotion as it gives a pleasant urge to look deeper and really empathize with the poet.