Source
r/OCPoetry•
walkalongwalk

I Love Mondays

Feedback Received!

I love Mondays,
cause here I am
Sitting across from this pale thin gal
Her dad beside her, totally clueless,
wondering "why do you feel this?"
And screaming "my girl is sick why can't you see it??"

old man look at your girl,
see the pain she feels,
the needle she's stuck too that never heals,
as she squeals and holds her head, stomach looks to be a mess
all you can do is look and plead
but old man
Can't you see the blood on my hands?
They're my own but I've done it before

And the same sore I have I know she feels
The open wound that just won't heal
And she's waited too long, too long with no help
screaming she says "take me home to be with myself"
and as she pleads to be home in the dark
the man in the corner can't hold himself up
Helped back to his chair the nurse asks his name
he whispers "Phil" and collapses the same
"I'm going through withdrawal" as he moans in pain.

At this moment the girl stands up,
she's finally had enough of the attempt at help
and Phil sits back,
then adjusts himself
While I wait, knowing none of this affects my fate
and that's ok,
none of this means anything,
Anyway.

Posted Nov 14, 2016, 9:19 AM UTC

13
BlackWaffles•

Monday Blues is real.

1
Confusedpolymer•

I really loved the way you brought out the images in the poem. And it also builds up a really interesting character for the 'me' in the poem - starting off with the passionate/sarcastic 'I love Mondays' to the apathetic 'none of this means anything/anyway'

That being said, I think you may be trapping yourself by trying to impose a rhyme. The poem seems to lose direction a little (?) as it progresses.

You might want to try experimenting with different line breaks, and shifting the ideas around. I'm genuinely intrigued about all the characters here - you could also try building on the underlying tension simmering between all the characters, making it clear why you 'love mondays' Hope this helps ! :)

1
anniefromcommunity•

This seems really great, I think I agree with the other commentor where you trap yourself through too many rhymes.

1
Denevius•

I would cut the first and fourth stanza and work only on the second and third (if the breaks I'm seeing are accurate), as the middle of the poem is where it really becomes engaging. Also, I don't see how the time of the week has any need to be in the poem. It could have been Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday.

1