12:09 am Poem

reads well mostly, the middle seems to trip over the tongue a little, might I suggest a new line for "They say..". Definitely a great contemplative poem, forces thought into the corners of the mind we don't usually use. The rhythm feels right to me, overall a good job.

I like the dark tone of it. But for me the flow kinda becomes awkward in the last line. Great job though, I enjoyed it.

I liked it! The dark tone, as xbar22 said, was nice. I liked the idea of the narrator being out of control in his/her world. You could work a bit on the flow of the poem - it's pretty choppy at times. For example, "around around" could be changed to "round and round," or you could denote a pause between the two "arounds" with a comma or dash. I think this poem has the potential to become something really amazing! I actually really really like the line "But what we dream to never see" - it sounds beautiful.

I really enjoyed this. I agree with some of the other comments, that it does read a little choppy at times. Not that I am an expert or anything. The around around is interesting as I would be tempted to say round 'n round, but this works (with a comma as noted before).

So much of it resonated with me personally, i could visualize myself on so many nights, lying awake, staring at the ceiling, thoughts whirling through my mind.

The last two lines are interesting. I like the the "But what we dream to never see" a lot. The next line, the use of comes and becomes so close together seems to disrupt the flow somehow.

Again, overall, I really liked it.

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