Hey, thanks for your kind words. I chose the descriptor "quietly" because I was trying to create a very subdued and "out of it" atmosphere. The words on the note should read like a whisper. The narrator just came out of a coma, he isn't even sure where he is. The note brings him down to reality, he knows exactly where he is now and why.

This is gripping. 

I actually like the simplicity of the word choice. Personally, I think it adds to the narrator's depressive state of mind. That sense of plain lack of meaning or colour to life. 

I also really appreciate the how you used words that are typically associated with "heavenly" experiences, "dressed in white", "bright" and "light", to derisively describe the narrator's hell and carrying the narrator's sense of irony further. 

I don't quite understand the need for "quietly reading" though.  







Exceptionally written. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like there's a hidden juxtaposition lodged in here. 

We usually depict Heaven as white, bright, and pure, but by conjoining those adjectives with "sterile", you make it seem that such qualities are indeed more applicable to Hell, as you skillfully allude to in your poem. 

Another aspect I noticed was the repetition of "came to see me". I feel that this not only encapsulates the narrator's loneliness but also perpetuates a sense of disbelief.

Either way, solid effort. Keep up the good work.

wow. i really enjoyed this. the ending that kind of confirmed it was about suicide was a pretty awesome mic drop, which i liked a lot. nice job!

A very well-devised, haunting piece.  Relatively short for such a heavy/complicated subject matter, but seems to get the point across.

Keep up the good work!

Hmm.  Yes, I see why you chose to do that now.  

Perhaps the issue is that the words themselves don't seem like they've been particularly carefully chosen.  They're rather generic in fact.  "Bright" instead of "lamplit", "glistening", or "irradiated".  "Place" instead of...well, anything really.  "Hospital room" or "circus tent" or "woodland glade".  If the words are supposed to feel carefully chosen, make them *be* carefully chosen.  

In addition, ellipses are certainly useful as a punctuation tool here too.  No need to place them each on an isolated line, if you've got ellipses (...) which serve the same function.  

I wanted to make it feel like the narrator is trying to remember and picking his words thoughtfully i.e. "bright.. sterile.. place." I wasn't totally sure that the enjambment was the way to capture that but it looked aesthetically pleasing to me so I went with it. Any suggestions?

Really well conceived and really well executed conceptually.   Well done. 

If I were to offer advice, I would perhaps rethink placing 

>bright,  
>sterile  
>place   
  
Each in its own line.  I think it feels a bit pretentious written that way, and the enjambment feels a bit excessive, especially since this is contained in its own stanza.  If the point is to isolate that line, to add to the feeling of disassociation, I approve.  I think that works very well.  But I think maybe each word doesn't need its own line.  

Such a haunting piece. "ghastly varicose webs", what a fresh image! Great work!

  On the loneliest day of  
  my life,  
  I thought it was strange that  
  I was dressed all in white.  

  And the walls -  
  white.  
  And the floor -   
  white.  
  And the lights -  
  blind.  

  My only aunt came to see me,  
  I later realized.  
  We were never close but;  
  she came to see me  

  With gentle caresses of ghastly varicose   
  webs, plastic and sprawling  
  From my feet to my nose  
  squirming in my throat  

  If it would have been possible,    
  I might have chuckled.  
  Hell turned out to be such a  

  bright,  
  sterile  
  place.  

  And I remember a note shook me,  
  out of the haze  

  Quietly reading,  
  “How many pills did you take?”  

  https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5dr5w1/wonder/  
    https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5dr12d/how_are_you/  

  *Repost following heavy revision and a title change, I used two new pieces of feedback*

bright, sterile place.