Thanks. I mostly write rap lyrics in Norwegian, so this was something different for me.

Your feedback is much appreciated 🙂

I think your poetry speaks very well to a lyrical interpretation! I can see this to a musical setting. That being said, the rhythm isn't always consistent, which can lead to awkward and amateur sounding poetry. It might be helpful to try to stay consistent, both with the number of syllables per line and the meter within the line (which syllables are emphasized/deemphasized). And a little more "showing, not telling" would definitely be great too! Just feeling a bit repetitive as of right now. 
Really great start! Can't wait to see where you go from here :) 

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My next breath