[130] THE MAN WHO GAVE BIRTH TO A PANDA

Leeching

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Posted Dec 11, 2016, 8:50 PM UTC · edited

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SonOfLitGod•

I liked the idea behind this piece.

He had to have it, his mother told him.

This sets the scene as an opening sentence. I'd prefer if it would start in a stronger way. Also, the fact that it is his mother speaking makes me think the narrator is a kid.

He dreamed of the panda’s tiny eyes opening inside him, the doctor’s wide incision

We're almost getting into the realm of horror in the next paragraph. Instead of getting the wonders of child birth explained to us, we are left with a fairly graphic image.

his bit part in the history of the future.

I like the idea being expressed but I feel like it could be said in a better way. "He would be included only as a footnote for historians" or "his only sentence in the history books"

1
PatricOrmerod•

I don't think this author realizes panda babies are two ounces. :\

Two... ounces. I don't think the birth will be that difficult.

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AdvocateOfTheDodo•

Gee thanks, now I'm looking up the dynamics of Panda procreation.

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AdvocateOfTheDodo•

It'll now have 100% more Panda Porn.

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not_rachelMODpunctuation goddess•

Your post has been marked as a leech post because you have not left a high-effort critique on a piece of at least 130 words in length or longer. Please read our sidebar, new user post (the stickied post), or our FAQ if you have questions about what constitutes a high-effort critique.

Any questions you have can be directed to the mods via modmail. Welcome to RDR--we hope you stick around!

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Buffer01OP•

I left a low effort critique on a 2,000+ writing.

Should even out. Your system is flawed.

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not_rachelMODpunctuation goddess•

It works great for us and we're happy with the system.

There are plenty of shorter-length pieces on RDR's front page for you to critique with high effort; I think this one is the closest in length to your piece.

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