I just want to have sex (possible triggers?)

Okay to start, this is my first time posting on this sub or even to reddit at all. I am 18 years old and am suffering from serious PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction).

Ive been watching porn probably since I was around 13, and it very quickly turned to femdom and 'sissy' themes. When I was first getting into porn I looked at a wide variety of depraved porn and did occasionally look at vanilla porn but was usually perverted in some sense. for the last few years it has very much become centered around the 'sissy' and 'feminisation' themes, often involving forced gay sex with black men (that felt really weird and disgusting to type),

I have tried NoFap numerous times over the last 3 months since discovering, and am currently on my longest streak (only of 15 days).

Last year I had a long time girlfriend who I was with for at least 8 months. In this time I spent numerous nights with her, all of which I could only muster 50% of an erection at most, and we didn't really talk about this. I just avoided her going near that whole area. I fingered her and performed oral sex basically whenever I spent the night at her place. Once after giving oral I was hard enough to let her give me hand but this was a one off occasion.

Currently, I have a girlfriend who I have been with upwards of half a year. I love this girl very much and I want more than anything to make her happy. I could see a future with her, but find myself feeling incredibly depressed when I think about it, due to my ED. She is more than ready to have sex and has expressed on multiple occasions that she would like to. I have fingered her a few times but again I have not let her touch me because of the ED.

I did not want this relationship to go the way of my last relationship, so I told her that the reason for the lack of sexual escalation was because I found it hard to get it up. Shes been very understanding and says she wants to help however she can.

I haven't told her it is anything to do with porn or the weird fetishes I involve(d?) myself in. This is because it is embarrassing and I don't want her to think of me differently. I understand trust is important, and some may suggest telling her, but the extent of my porn addiction would be so alien to her that I fear shed be pushed away.

Here is the thing - I had light fantasies about female domination and about 'feminisation' of me before I even discovered porn. I often invented stories in my head, and these stories sometimes led down these routes. I feel this may have stemmed from me being a very lonely child who had few friends, and I felt I had no hope of ever actually getting into a healthy relationship.

I have always kept this side of me extremely separate from my masculine, hard-working self. At the moment after a few weeks of NoFap, I realize I want nothing to do with this anymore. I want to be able to have sex with my girlfriend, and have a normal relationship.

I understand it seems as though I am suppressing fetishes that are innate in me, but all I want is to live a normal life without this.

Will NoFap push away these desires that have always been associated with sexual pleasure?

When I am with my girlfriend Im thinking only of her and how much I want to have sex with her. The rush I get from typing in the words 'sissy' into google is scary.

I want to be rid of this and live a normal life. I do not want to have a relationship embracing these 'kinks' - this part of me is so separate from my life and it just makes me sick thinking that the people I love - especially my girlfriend - finding out about, even more so embracing and introducing in our sex life.

Right now I feel like utter shit, considering suicide.

Any advice would be appreciated. thanks