Me [24F] with my BF [29 M] of 2 years, realizing emotional abuse, change and resentment. Venting.

Reddit, this is difficult even for me to understand, so bear with me with this explanation. I had made a post about a year ago about this same relationship, at that time believing it was a codependent/jealous relationship... I wanted something to help me understand what was going on. Then I came across the signs of emotional abuse and I was in a way relieved to know I wasn't being crazy, and extremely sad at the same time. The gaslighting, the manipulation, not validating feelings, feeling like you need to ask for permission for everything, not being able to decide for yourself without going to that person first, walking on eggshells, avoiding conversations in order to avoid conflict... And so many more... Although at some point I understood this behavior was caused by his upbringing and his past I knew it wasn't fair to me.

All throughout this relationship I had taken the role of "the healer", I do realize it was wrong but in my naive way of thinking I thought I could change his way of seeing the world, that it wasn't such a bad place, realizing not everyone is bad, that he is worthwhile, that he should love himself... But as you might know those are not things you can really teach someone... He relied heavily on me for that validation and if I wasn't happy he felt, hurt(?) so I opted to look happy all the time, pretending everything was ok, draining me of so much energy, I separated myself from my own needs, desires and friends because I did not feel good about myself... I quit my job and have not been social at all.

I struggled so much, wishing I could just say, "OK, bye! I don't deserve this, I'm leaving!" And just being able to take his harsh words and the idea that he'll resent me forever, pretend I never existed (like his previous relationships) and whatever he learned he'll discard... But I couldn't and I still can't. I was starting to accept the fact that if he didn't even know what was wrong it was time for me to leave, whatever happens. We had various talks but everything seemed to register so slowly, or never felt truly sincere for me. Then one time he wanted to talk, he described he realized he was hurting me, did wrong and listed things he has understood he did wrong. This talk felt sincere. There was no shaming or correct/wrong person. From previous bad experiences of me opening up to him and getting a terrible reaction, I was scared to continue the conversation with how I felt but I did it. To my surprise there was listening happening from him. No guilt being thrown around, no denying, just acceptance. I decided to go a bit further and showed him what I had found about emotional abuse. His past self would have been extremely mad and probably made me feel bad for showing him that but this time he just read everything in silence. At the end he looked genuinely sad, and accepted this described a big part of our relationship. He said he wanted to change it. We both read books about the subject, he realized his mother has always and is still doing this to him and his siblings and desperately wants to break that cycle of abuse.

From that moment I have seen big changes, especially in the way he communicates and tries not to blame others for things, we both started therapy. But the thing that has been happening with me is that I simply do not have any energy left, not even for me. I don't know if I can diagnose myself, but I believe I am depressed. I feel so numb, and just cannot get myself to do any of the things I used to love. In my mind, I don't want to taint what was once good with this feeling of hopelessness. I cannot sleep, I've started to scratch myself even in my sleep leaving scabs in my chest, back and scalp. I feel resentment towards him. Now that I feel he isn't gonna guilt trip me into doing anything I feel I have the freedom to not force myself to do or say anything I don't want, but honestly, I don't know anymore what is it that I want anymore. I just cannot talk anymore, about good or bad things, I cannot say I love you. I feel kinda dead, except when I feel resentment.(I wish I could get rid of that) Even without this, I feel compassion for him and quietly root for him to continue growing and changing. But I have neglected myself for so long, thought about someone else before myself for so long, it is like I cannot remember how it was to think about myself.

We met for a movie and I was gonna go for the 'look kinda happy, just tired' look but I broke down. I cried non stop and tried to break things off. He was warm and comforting up until I said those words, even though he did not explode I noticed him going cold. I am so sensitive to those little changes it felt like a lot. Surprisingly we did not fight, we had a conversation. But it didn't end in ending things. We "took a break" to see if I could try to get rid of the idea of his old self. This is not coming from a bad place, I recognize he is changing but my resentment keeps me from seeing the present... Yet I feel I can't do anything about it. I am beat. Scared the end of the break I will still have that influence and try a second time (probably not second, but whatever)without even knowing why, or just break things off because my mind is in a thick fog... I wish I could see his present self... But I don't know how.

If you read this far, thank you so much, I wasn't really expecting anyone to do so. If I had a question it would be how do you deal with resentment, does it go hand in hand with forgiveness? I feel like I forgive him because I don't hate him, yet I resent all those things that weren't my fault but made me feel guilty. And how the way I see the world has changed, not for good. I know reddit is quick to say emotional abusers never change, but if they did, would you give your partner a second chance?

tl;dr: Realized my relationship was emotionally abusive, boyfriend sincerely understood this as well and is working hard to change himself and the nature of the relationship, but I am emotionally exhausted and resent him for that time, which doesn't let me see his present, changed self. We are giving each other a break which will end in either a second chance or ending things for good. I am still not mentally OK for ending things, because I am scared he will hate me... Or pretend I never existed as he has done with previous relationships. I wish he could accept it was an important part of our lives but it did not work out... He will see it as failure. I would like to know what to do about resentment or just any advice in general about the topic.