Me (33/f) with my (35/m) SO, I love him but I'm not sure that I'm "in love" with him... he's ready to take the next big step.

Jeff (35m) and I (33f) have been dating for two years, living together for one. I'll start off by saying he is a good man. He's not perfect, but he's good to me, loves and cares about me, sees a future with me. I think he is good looking, we have a good sex life and want the same things in life for the most part. We argue sometimes, but what couple doesn't. I genuinely want his happiness and love him too, but truthfully I've never really felt that head over heels in love feeling. It feels warm, familiar, I feel safe and we're marching towards the same goal so why not do it together. The idea of being without him is heartbreaking to me because I feel like I would be losing my best friend...and yet when I close my eyes and try to imagine my future with him, it just feels...good. Fine.

Recently, we've been talking more about our future and what the next step is, and it's very clear that he has marriage and proposing in his sights and wants me to be on ready...and though I don't really know how to admit it, the idea is just "okay" to me. He's been asking about rings (what kinds I think are pretty, size, etc), and trying to schedule cute little dates to winerys and weekend trips to the coast, and every time he tries to talk to me about it I've been giving half-hearted answers or just avoiding the question all together. I feel so ungrateful and horrible inside, because what woman wouldn't want to be treated like this, and I should be thanking God to be so lucky to have such a wonderful man. But here I am on pins and needles whenever we go out for a weekend trip or a holiday comes around. I was nervous all of Christmas that he would pop the question in front of my family.

I don't want to break up, but when friends and family ask me about when we are getting engaged, I just kind of laugh it off and say something like "Oh soon! We're working on it!" and inside feel really uncomfortable. My family loves him. And then of course there is the issue of my age, I'm not getting any younger and I think I'd like to have kids which really doesn't help my timeline. Jeff would be a great father, and we have stable jobs and a house together, so the inhibitions aren't due to that.

Part of my hesitation is that I've been married before. I got married when I was in my early twenties to my high school sweetheart. We were young and it was my first relationship/first person I had sex with. We ended up divorcing after two and a half years, and I still feel embarrassed when I think about when I told my parents and family and friends that we were getting a divorce. It was a learning experience and I take it as one, but I never want to go though the process of getting divorced again. I've also dated since my ex-husband. A lot. I've had several relationships since then, including my current one with Jeff. Again, all of them were good men. Some were quick only a few months flings, some were years long. I've gone on plenty of dates, done the online Match.com thing, had a few one night stands that I regretted in the morning. My friends told me that I should slow down and enjoy being single but truth be told I've never been able to. My twenties were a total whirlwind, but a lot of fun!

One of the men I dated, the second guy after my ex-husband...it still pains me to think about him because I was truly absolutely in love with him. I met Joe at a concert with a group of mutual friends, including the guy I was dating at the time (only dating a couple months). I was blown away, couldn't stop staring at him, made any excuse to talk to him, and then went home with my then boyfriend feeling like a bag of shit for how I acted/felt. That relationship didn't survive and a couple months later I saw Joe out again and we went on a date shortly after.

I was head over heels, like choirs of angels singing, finally seeing color, head over heels in love. I feel cliche saying that, but it was true. Joe wasn't perfect but just being around him made me feel light and happy and like I've never felt before. I wanted to (eventually) get married and have babies and ride off into the sun set together. Of course it didn't work out. He was three years younger than me and clearly didn't like the idea of being tied down yet, plus as much as I was crazy about him, I think he thought I was pretty cool but he didn't feel as strong as I did and we both knew it; our relationship only lasted a little over a year before a mutual but painful breakup. In a few months I was dating again, partially on a rebound. I haven't seen Joe in years.

Honestly, I haven't felt that feeling again since Joe, the next couple relationships I had did not last long and there were some quick flings scattered in there, and then I met Jeff. Jeff has been the closest; I remember on our first day meeting Jeff and talking and laughing and kissing him goodnight and thinking "Wow! Ok, I can do this." And while it's "good", there was never much of a honeymoon phase as much as an easy immediate familiarity. I've never hit that feeling of total bliss with Jeff that I did with Joe, even in the early phases. Not even close. But Jeff is wonderful in other ways. He's committed and reliable and giving, takes an interest in my hobbies and just genuinely wants me as his wife. But it pains me to think that I know deep in my heart I'm not crazy about him in the way I was crazy about someone else. I've felt more.

I don't want Joe back, and I've never sought him out since we parted ways, but I miss so badly that feeling of being so enamored with someone, just totally having my socks knocked off. And I genuinely think Jeff feels that way about me. I"m selfish and I want both, to be totally loved and totally in love. But then the rational part of me kicks in. Do you really want to start dating again? Do you really want to keep going out there? Why not just be happy with what you have? And really, the likelihood of me finding someone better is probably diminishing more than it is increasing as I get older, not even considering the having kids aspect.

And I think, somewhere deep down, Jeff knows what I'm feeling (or not feeling). We are very open and I don't want to have secrets... I've told him about Joe, and all my other relationships and previous marriage and answered any questions he had, but have tried to downplay how I felt and it's not something we talk about anymore. But I think he does know. The first time he told me he loved me, I just kind of froze. I eventually said it back but I know it was a blow to him. He's been the one to suggest most of the big steps in our lives like meeting each other's families and moving in together,; I've tried to compensate by planning fun vacations and dates with him and other couples, which have made him light up, but at the end of the day he's still the one marching towards a real future together, with me following behind. I feel horrible thinking about what that might be doing to him on the inside, and if we did get married would he spend the rest of our lives wondering if I just "settled" for him because I was getting older, especially if we decided have kids right away.

I also don't want to tell him I'm not ready if it turns out I'll never be ready. I don't know. If I could look in a crystal ball and see two years from now I'd be completely ready to be his wife, I would absolutely tell him I just want more time as bf/gf. But I don't know if that will happen, or in two years I would feel the same as I do now.

What should I do? If you knew your SO felt the way I do, what would you want? My biggest guilt would be hurting him in the long run, but I also don't know how to handle any decisions at this point.

tl;dr: I'm a coward and selfish. I love but am not "in love" with my SO of two years. But I don't want to keep trying to date and likely end off worse in the end.