Explaining terms of reconciliation to an adulter (for those that are / were waywards)

So I happened on an interesting thread from the subreddit that won't be named that was actually quite revealing into the mindset of adultery. They were asked how they would react to seeing terms for reconciliation laid out if they were caught. I find it interesting to see the mindset of people that have either engaged in affairs or currently are involved in one when it comes to seeing common terms laid out for reconciliation.

I realize a lot of people currently engaged in affairs or cheater's that are post D-Day read these forums. If you are one of these people, this post is to help you understand what these common steps really mean. I am mindful that affairs happen for all sorts of reasons and there are often major issues with a major that is the fault of both parties. I'm also mindful that people are in different phases emotionally. This breaks people. Plain and simple. Even if you feel happy now, you had to sacrifice someone you once asked to marry you or agreed to marry to get there. Ultimately it was your choice to engage, you are 100% at fault for your affair. We're all influenced to make certain decisions in our lives, good or bad, but own this 100% that you're an adult that made that decision to cheat. Remember, at some point before your anger towards your spouse that you betrayed or trauma that your infidelity has caused or soon will cause, you agreed to marriage and were in love.

Others may chime in what it means to them, opinions will vary, but as someone who has been on the betrayed side of the fence and employed these tactics to full reconciliation, I feel I have enough perspective.

The post in question I'm not sure who posted it before in this forum, but it was the one used for an example. If anyone has a link for it, that'd be much appreciated. But here it is below.

There are a number of steps that should be discussed between the two of you. First, he must send a non-contact letter. Further contact is grounds for immediate separation. Second, he must be totally transparent; his cellphones, computers and tablets must be made available to you for inspection. Trust but verify will be in your lexicon for the next several years. Third, exposure: His affair partner's family will have to be told. Then his family, including your parents and siblings. Finally, he has to agree to individual counselling. Once you are comfortable and SAFE, (the target here is to get out of infidelity, and hopefully not the marriage), then marriage counselling is next. There are some that subscribe to having a "post nup" agreement. If he goes off the reservation again, then he loses BIG. This is an agreement where if he or you cheat, the cheater loses most if not all assets, pays hefty alimony and child support and is reduced to penury for the rest of their lives.

So moving forward, one thing to understand immediately is, this is not about a dead bedroom, this isn't about reasons that you felt like you had to cheat. This has everything to do with the fact that you are currently not marriage material, but your spouse is giving you an opportunity to be just that. This isn't permanent conditions for the most part, but rather conditions to build a foundation at the very beginning of reconciliation. This is what your spouse's condition for reconciliation is, despite you putting them through what will be one of their worst experiences in their life.

If your answer is "I would never agree to that." Than honestly, you need think long and hard about why you're still married. The humane thing to do is initiate a divorce and give your spouse a chance to move on. At the very least you can inform your own spouse that if they won't meet your needs currently, this marriage can't exist as it is today. If you're the type that believes there's justification in having an affair, because you don't want to break up your family with divorce, know that you've already declared a silent war on not just your spouse, but your children as well. Their world that they view as "safe" is being torn apart on a daily basis. Those affair partners that give you those warm fuzzy feelings? They're simply an accomplice towards destroying your family's view of you and their lives.

If you would never agree to this and want to stay married with mutual respect or have all these other ideas as to how you would make your marriage survive, than drop your affair today and GO DO THAT TODAY. Go be the best husband, wife, parent that you can be. There's nothing stopping you but your own decisions.

Ok, so I'll break down mindset a little bit here...

First, he must send a non-contact letter. Further contact is grounds for immediate separation.

This simply is to establish the first boundary before anything.

. Second, he must be totally transparent; his cellphones, computers and tablets must be made available to you for inspection.

Let's face reality. Yes, you can totally agree to this and still get around it. But that's for you to decide if you're really that far gone from human decency and integrity to become the type of person that can look a traumatized spouse in the eye and agree to all this while fully knowing you will continue to lie.

Transparency is a tool used to build the trust that you destroyed. Think of it this way, your affair detonated the building that is trust. Transparency is setting the blueprint up to rebuild it. You have the power to make your spouse feel safe.

Third, exposure: His affair partner's family will have to be told. Then his family, including your parents and siblings.

There's different variations of exposure. Me personally, exposing to AP to their spouse is a must. Everything else is up to the betrayed. For those that believe exposing your AP or to family does nothing to rebuild a marriage, is vindictive, or comes from a bitter person, I encourage you to open up your eyes to what exposure really is. It's about ending an affair and increasing your accountability for your decision. Of course there are spouses out there that are out for revenge and use this tool for that purpose. But this advice isn't aimed for those types. It's like saying, that you are cheating because you want to hurt your spouse. I assume most of you don't have that intention. The ones that do, well, you're probably married to the spouse that will be vengeful. You keep your affair hidden. You don't wear it proudly on your finger, you don't discuss how great this person is to your children. If you are proud of it and it truly means that much to you, feel free to update your Facebook for everyone to see your other life. Exposing is a tool to bring the affair into the light and end it as quickly as possible. Does it work all the time? No, of course someone could decide to move on with life with their affair partner. But it does work a large percentage of a time. That affair that gives you all the butterflies tends to lose its luster once people that are truly important in your life sees your actions. Regardless of the outcome of exposure, it's just about impossible to reconcile to a happy fulfilling monogamous marriage if the affair stays hidden in the shadows.

If you realize you have issues in your marriage and blame those issues for leading you to have an affair, who is really the vindictive one here?

Finally, he has to agree to individual counselling. Once you are comfortable and SAFE, (the target here is to get out of infidelity, and hopefully not the marriage), then marriage counselling is next. For some reason a lot of adulterers believe their affairs are just miscommunication and that a betrayed spouse must immediately bare some responsibility. They don't. A betrayed spouse could be responsible for a variety of issues that you feel. Feeling un-loved, not wanted, dead bedroom. Those are all legit reasons to feel terrible in a marriage. But that's not the discussion that can be had at this time. This is about your cheating. A dead bedroom doesn't stay with someone for a lifetime. This about you creating a 3 way relationship without the decency of telling your spouse that their world is no longer safe, physically (STDs) or emotionally (trauma). It's about you removing the most VITAL NEED in any marriage. Safety with a spouse.

Thus why it's important during reconciliation for you to find out why you are capable of doing something of this magnitude. Only after this is worked on, should the marriage itself start getting worked on in couples counseling if desired to do so (even then, we did not do couples counseling for our reconciliation). Besides, how are you going to be able to bring 100% of you into a marriage in a positive way when you're not even willing to hold yourself to a 100% standard? Is this advice perfect? Hell no. My shit stinks just as much as the next person.. No one advice can fit every situation. I don't know your home life, money issues, bedroom issues, or personal issues that you carry. There's always going to be better alternatives for different situations. This advice is for the adulterers that are truly remorseful or are thinking of pulling the plug on an affair. Understand, these terms aren't meant to last a lifetime. They're meant to create a foundation a the beginning of reconciliation. When your affair gets discovered, that permanently lasts a lifetime. It forever changes things in ways that you have yet to even realize. I wish everyone luck in the future.