Lack of life goals, decision paralysis, and self-mistrust

Hello fellow redditors,

Here I am late night again, and nothing is engaging. Games, books, movies, talking with friends, drinking… nothing. I am stuck in a vegetative state. All just means to pass the time.

I used to be so driven and confident, always knew what I wanted, never took no for an answer. Objectively, I think I accomplished quite a lot. But things changed after I turned 22. There are things I “think” I still want to do - polish my art projects, write the next blog, do daily work or hang out with friends. But as soon as I sit down, my mind attacks me. Nothing matters, it’s all meaningless.

Being self-driven and independent, compliments and praise only get me so far. External motivation is insufficient.

There is no internal validation either - I no longer trust myself. For the past six years I have been trying to do everything right - eat well, sleep enough, exercise, cut out booze/coffee, work on my job and projects, go out to socialize, therapy - but I’ve only been getting worse. All the goals I set for myself only further spiral me down. How can I trust myself to set new goals anymore?

On top of that, my current anxious and depressed mind has become dysfunctionally irrational, with absurd deliberations over most inconsequential little daily things. How can I even begin to decide on life goals when I can’t even decide if I should put creamer in my coffee?

I tried it all, short of medication - creative work, drinking (or not), friends, two month travel get-away, yoga, meditation, health checkups, CBT, therapy… one by one all these things stopped working.

I am in a limbo. I don’t enjoy anything anymore, I just pass the time with work. I’m objectively moving forward and enjoy parts of it, but I get no sense of accomplishment like I used to. I choose what I do based on what will keep my mind most occupied, thus killing time fastest.

There is no external validation. There is no internal drive. I have nothing I am striving for. No point getting inspired. I don’t know how to even begin rethinking my life, and I don’t trust myself to implement changes.

Any wise advice is appreciated!