A healthy INFP/ISTP relationship involves controlling our tendency to assume and shut down

First off…this ended up incredibly long. I tried not to go off on tangents, but, y'know, I like to write stories. I do hope it’s helpful...whether you’re in an ISTP relationship or simply trying to figure out how to communicate effectively with people that don’t ‘get’ our way of thinking. As an INFP female that was on a 2 year roller coaster with an ESTJ (talk about a disaster…) and is now in a healthy relationship with an ISTP, l’ve learned quite a bit about navigating the sensing/thinking waters.

I’ve been with my ISTP boyfriend for about 3 years. While there’s some very confusing ups and downs…especially in the beginning… it's been extremely rewarding. COMMUNICATION is key! And for the INFP, you have to stop letting your imagination run away from you and assuming you know what they’re thinking. I can’t tell you how many times I convinced myself he wasn’t interested because he didn’t call or our phone conversations felt awkward and forced. ISTP’s don’t play games, are very direct and, at least for him, are a ‘love the one you’re with’ type. Our phone conversations still tend to be stilted. It’s when we’re together that the magic happens.

The things I love about being with an ISTP: That quiet, easy going confidence he seems to exude. He’s ‘cool’ but never tries to prove it. There’s an…adorable sexiness?.. about him. He’s sincere and gets along with everyone, although he could care less being the center of attention. He’s friendly and easy to talk to, but a little aloof and mysterious at times. He’s steady, practical, very handy and very loyal to the people important to him. He will literally do anything for the people he loves, it wouldn’t occur to him not to. He’s prone to bouts of laziness just as much as moments of spontaneous crazy fun. He’s not CLINGY! He understands that I want to be alone or quiet sometimes because he wants the same. When he says something sweet or thoughtful, I know he means it because it doesn’t come naturally to him to talk that way.

Potential issues with ISTPs: He definitely has the ‘stir the pot and walk away’ attitude. He likes to push his boundaries and see how far he can take it. This can come across as uncaring but, under that surface, he's surprisingly kind and understanding. The first few months, inappropriate jokes abounded. Since I have trouble setting boundaries with people it made for some difficult talks down the road once my patience was finally worn down. If you’re uncomfortable with something, but let it slide because you don’t want to cause conflict, they’re going to run with it…and run with it. You have to explain very clearly that it’s actually not ok. At first he was very hard to read, but mainly because I was reading so much into the silences and lack of phone calls. When an ISTP is silent, it’s probably because they’re trying to figure out how to unscrew that stubborn bolt on the land cruiser they’re rebuilding. If they’re not calling much, it’s probably because they’re trying to unscrew that stubborn bolt from the land cruiser they’re rebuilding, and then they got distracted building a new cart to set their bolts on. Or they’re taking a nap.

Weird side note: We’ve come to appreciate how differently our minds work. These days, when there’s a long moment of silence between us, we’ll ask the other what they were thinking about. He’ll start talking about how he was staring at the light on the ceiling and it reminded him that he wanted to replace the lights in his shop so he could see better when he’s making a new battery charger for his drill. And I’ll explain how I was imagining ten different scenarios of how we would escape the house if the dryer caught on fire and the pressure cooker exploded at the same time. It’s always a good laugh.

Why it can work: The same reasons I believe any combination could potentially work…We’ve grown into having many common interests, we learned to communicate, we’re not afraid to apologize and we try to respect each other’s differences, even if we don’t understand them. It was never an “it’s just meant to be” feeling with him. I thought we were going to have fun for a few weeks and move on because, while he seemed genuine and easy going, I thought he lacked depth. That assumption was wrong…as our assumptions often are. Don’t be afraid to TALK. He’s constantly surprising me with how accepting he is of my weirdness. And, to a point, you have to be willing to lower your probably very stringent values and morals.

A note on INFP ethics: The biggest fight we’ve ever had stemmed from the fact that he did something that went against my holier-than-thou morals. I rarely get angry about anything, but I was so appalled and disappointed that he could even THINK to do that. Let alone do it, then tell me about it as if he didn’t think I would care. We argued for an hour and I couldn’t seem to get him to realize that it was simply WRONG and that’s reason enough not to do it. Period. He couldn’t figure out why I was so angry. Nothing bad happened. No one was hurt. What’s the big deal? Eventually I was exhausted arguing and just stewed silently. He assumed the fight was over. I spent the next two days silently annoyed, questioning every decision I ever made about why we were together. Every now and then he’d ask if I was ‘depressed’ which just annoyed me more. Eventually I told him of course I was still upset about our talk and started going on about it again. Then he said, in that calm, straightforward way, to please not ever act like this again. If I have a problem with something, we need to hash it out then and there and I can’t assume he knows I’m still angry at something I won’t talk about. In my opinion, the INFP tendency to fall back into our mind when we’re uncomfortable or upset is a recipe for disaster in just about any relationship. We can’t just stop talking and let it fester and build into something more than what it is. I took what he said to heart and, since then, our arguments are at least constructive.

Wrapping this up, we simply have fun together and, at our best, strangely complement each others personalities. We’re both laid back enough that we can spend hours doing nothing and not feel guilty. We’re different enough to push each other to try things we wouldn’t try on our own. Respect is important. If he constantly nagged me living in my head it wouldn’t work. If I constantly ragged him about toeing the line and pushing things too far it wouldn’t work. We’re continuing to learn when we need to back off from each other and when to call each other out. It hasn’t been a seamless relationship but, over time, it just started to work. And because it’s taken work, it feels really satisfying to be where we are now.