Long Post.

Hey guys, so I found out about this thread and I am really happy that I did because it seems like info on rOCD is so sparse. I'm not sure if I have it for sure or not although I have been told I definitely display traits of OCD. I always thought that was limited to compulsively washing your hands or cleaning, but it seems the power of OCD can awaken with certain stimulus, which in my case, is my relationships. When I look back, I think it has always been there in my relationship with my partner. We're twenty five years apart. I am 21 and he is 46. We met when I was 18, and he has been one of the most patient and loving people I have ever met. It first started with phone checking and being jealous that his friends would steal him away from me. I convinced him to isolate himself from his friends, which in turn made him really depressed. I have always compulsively acted on reassurance from him. It helps during the time but then I just start to worry again, which in turn makes him feel like he isn't good enough. I feel like our relationship is crumbling. I act compulsively on sexual obsessions as well which ruined our trip to Maui. Overall, I just want to know how I can get rid of these urges and make them die. I fear that so much has been done we won't be able to recover. I fear that I don't really love him, or that he loves me. I fear that we never had a good foundation because it was built on problems. I fear that we won't have anything to talk about and we will grow apart. I fear that I will get close and be pushed away. I fear that when I get uncomfortable when he texts me, it means I'm moving on. However, I also feel like I have a love addiction and definitely some avoidant behaviors. I know I am codependent too, which is something he isn't too fond of. He puts up with it because he loves me but we both know that is taking a toll on our relationship and so is my anxiety and depression because of my r OCD.

I just wish I could get out of my head. I can meditate but then it's like the thoughts come back instantanously. How do I accept the thoughts and move on? Isn't that the same as ruminating? I feel that if I accept them I will become anxious. It's so defeating. I just want everything to be happy and bright. He's such a great guy and I feel like a storm cloud.

How can I expose myself to the following thoughts:

• Fear I'll see someone cuter and move on
• Fear that we have nothing in common
• Fear that he will leave someday
• Fear that our relationship is beyond fixable (even though he really wants it to work out he says)
• Fear that I don't really love him
• Fear of quietness/separation
• Fear of doing my own thing (I fear if I'm not constantly focusing on the relationship there won't be one) -Fear that we aren't connecting

And so I ask. I google. I'm miserable. Ugh.