I've always been the class clown, and I've always been alone. I'm tired of being Pagliacci.

In high school I was the sarcastic, witty class clown, cracking jokes in good fun that made everyone (even the teachers, to their chagrin) laugh. I also would go home every day alone, and spend every night in my room, alone.

I didn't mind, for the most part, I'm an introvert, not in the shy way, but in the way that I like to spend time reading and listening to albums, or just in a quiet place with my thoughts. It was fine, for a time, but after 4+ years it can start to eat at you.

People always complimented me on my wit, sometimes even going so far as to say that I was the only thing that got them through the class (sometimes in a tone that suggested more). This validation felt nice, feels nice, but only makes it harder to talk about my problems without feeling like they're petty. Whenever I try to express this, I can already hear people thinking "How can he be lonely? Everyone loves him!" and dismissing me.

It was true, to a degree; people did seem to love me at school. Outside of school was a different story. Nobody ever invited me to anything, nobody ever texted me, messaged me, snapchatted me, nothing. I figured that my confident shell may have intimidated people, that they assumed I had friends because "of course he does".

So after graduating, I started taking the initiative. I'd text them, ask them to hang out, send them funny things, etc. And they'd reply, or we'd get lunch, or they'd laugh at what I sent. But it never went anywhere. The conversations would always taper off, even if I had asked a question. If we met up, we'd leave with a respective "We should do this again sometime!" and I'd never hear from them again. Everything always went one way.

I kept telling myself that they're busy, and I just need to be persistent with them. But at what point does radio silence just mean "Leave me alone"?

I'm just tired. Tired of putting in so much, and getting nothing back. I feel like people have always taken me for granted, and still do. Like I'm something they're subscribed to, a vendor of comedy, and nothing more. I just want someone to take interest in me, as a person, not a prop. Because they want to, not out of obligation. Even as I type this, I'm afraid of getting tons of supporting messages, because I know after a point, it'll all taper off.

Maybe I don't know what I want. All I know is that I'm tired, and it hurts.