I know you'll never read this, but I needed to tell you...

Dear R,

I was always that anxious ginger guy you first met when I started working at the store. Years of bullying and taunting have upped my anxiety levels to max and have shut me off from this world. I was alone for most my life, for what I can remember at least, and I got used to it. I became the derpy, joking kinda guy I am now to cope with it I suppose. Sure I had my family and the few friends I game with, but I never really had anyone in my life who I felt "cared" about me. I'm weird, awkward, quiet. I never had anyone to hold, to comfort, to hug and talk to, or even just spend money on little gifts to spoil. But one day while I work, something hit me - hard - and I knew then, I liked you. I remember the exact moment I knew I liked you. You were all smiles, joking around, having fun as we were closing the store, and you came up to me and brushed you're hand through my hair and said "you need a haircut". And as I looked into your beautiful bright eyes, I knew right then... I liked you.

Months went by, we remained mainly co-workers. You were the highlight of my day, the reason I looked forward to going to work, to put up with the other bullshit in my life, because I got to see you. We talked and talked and became closer friends. And when I was at work and you weren't, and you'd come in on your day off, and come back to see me, was one of the greatest feelings in the world. I felt wanted for the first time in my life.

And then something amazing happened, you asked for my number. The girl who I crushed on for months... Asked for my number. I just looked at you dumbfounded, until my heart kicked my brain into action to actually give it to you. I was in shock. We talked and talked and Snapchat after Snapchat, day in and day out, until you fell asleep on me, and I'd finish with a "goodnight :-)". I'll always remember the new year's drunk snaps I got from you, those were funny.

The more we talked, the more I learned about you, and the more I realized you were perfect. We had near same interests. Games, cars, being outdoors, traveling, animals. And when we started to hang out, the more I felt comfortable. The anxiety started to fade. I no longer felt alone. I felt like someone finally cared about me. And yet... I was terrified to tell you how I actually felt about you.

After losing a previous friend over how I felt, I couldn't do it again. Not with you. You made me feel alive. I loved every moment I spent with you, I loved spoiling you with little gifts, I loved walking into work and you calling my name. I loved looking into your eyes, and letting my ever so restless mind... Finally relax. And I could not lose that.

I wanted to tell you so badly, every day I thought about it. 'Maybe she's different, maybe she feels similar feelings... Or maybe I'm wasting my time, maybe I open my mouth and I ruin another friendship'. Day after day, I saw you. And day after day I wanted to say something. And I knew you wanted me to say something. I just couldn't. Not after what happened before.

Until I did.

Another shock and awe came over me, you were okay with it, hell you embraced it. You told me you loved and respected me for not being brash about it. You told me we were always going to be friends, that you loved how I spoiled you. You even told me you had feelings for me. But you didn't want a relationship right now. I respected that, because I knew you respected me. You asked me to go on a trip with you and your friends. I knew the answer was yes immediately, but again, anxiety kicked in. Spending a weekend with the girl who meant so much to me... Was something I never thought in a million years would happen. Anxiety flooded me that week before we went. I was overwhelmingly nervous, I could barely eat or sleep.

The day the trip came, I was so excited and yet so absolutely nervous. I got to your house, loaded up my car, and headed off. Driving, sitting next to you, made it feel surreal. Like I was in a dream. Watching you dance and sing to music, and smile and laugh. It felt phenomenal. But something happened during that ride. Anxiety again, hit me. I shut down. I was no longer 'on a trip with my crush' I was 'just there'.

I knew what was happening. I tried my damnedest to break it. I tried so hard to break my anxiety. I wanted to have fun, not be a mope. I wanted so damn badly to have fun with you. You knew what I was like, that wasn't me. But I couldn't shake it. I acted as if I was ignoring you. As if you had done something wrong, and I was mad. But I wasn't, I swear to whatever God may be above, I wasn't. I treated you terribly, and I knew I was, as I was.

When we got back, I knew you were done. I knew you hated me. I knew you didn't want me around anymore. I was a rude, disrespectful, ignorant asshole, and I'm so sorry for everything I've done.

Since then, you've removed me from Snapchat, your numbers gone... You deleted me from your life. You've told me I'm an immature prick who needs to grow up. You said we'll never be friends again. You hate me, and don't want to do anything with me this summer. Your friends have texted me, telling me how much you despise me and wish you'd never met me. That one was on Valentine's Day.

I know what I did was wrong, I know I fucked up beyond all recognition. But I owned up too it. I apologized so many times, and I meant it every time I said it.

I lost one of my oldest friends this past weekend, to the war in Afghanistan. One of the best guys I've ever met, I'll never get to see again. They're not bringing him home, there's no funeral. The loneliness that came over me after hearing this was crippling. It made things even worse. I wish you were here.

But I shouldn't care anymore. You don't. Did you actually ever care? Did you feel anything like the way I did? I should just be able to move on. Everyone keeps telling me too. That there's plenty more out there.... But I don't want anymore. My anxiety has been so bad as of late.

I know you don't understand, but it's not easy for me to just 'like' someone.

You are one off the best things to happen to me. I'd give anything and everything to go back to when we were friends.

I should not care anymore. I should NOT care!

..but I do. I still really like you.

And yesterday was the hardest day of my life. Working with you, hearing your laugh, seeing your smile, and knowing I'll never get that again. My heart is clawing at my chest. I hate myself for burning you.

Smart, funny, fun, absolutely beautiful... Perfect. You were my absolute best friend for that short time. And that's what hurts the most, I've found perfect, and it hates me.

I don't know what to do anymore.

I miss saying goodnight, I miss the Snapchats... I miss you.

I know you'll never read this, but I needed to tell you...

Thank you for everything.

If you need anything... I'm here.

I hope you can forgive me.

Yours truly, A.