Blew off another day

Trying to stay productive and do cool things with my life. But I guess im in a tough spot right now with a project and life in general in terms of what path to take. A lot of things weighing on me. Either way I chose to blow off the day and get down w porn most of the day. And then im in no mind to be productive, so days go by and im not getting anything other than that done.

I know porn is only a symptom of my problems. Its a way to medicate i assume. Its multi layered because ive had problems with my sexuality identity since i was young so....I found the outlet for sex in porn, being in hiding so to speak. And then there just the escape of it that we all experience.

Sometimes i see porn as having a deeper function for me .....not good, just something that its serving in me ....like medicating anxiety for example. But other times I just see it as a big pleasure cruise.

Its like here is a bunch of work you dont know how to complete, existential anxiety and big decisions that need to be though out....OR theres this big shiny cruise ship to get on for the day and you can worry about that other stuff tomorrow right.

I want to take responsibility for that decision. I dunno if i am addicted and choice is really limited for me.....or if i am truly just making the wrong choice irresponsibly as opportunites and life roll on by.....Ships sailing off each day as i stay on shore. IDK

Ive tried quitting b4....but it became oppsessive........I generally dont get much from the sub except being able to unload like this . Ive been to 12 step b4 for booze and i am still sober, but chose to follow my agnostic tendencies and leave 12 step. But I am unsure how to go forward.

I just wanna someone how FIX myself. SO i dont make these decisions . lol. I hate the idea that i may do this again in the future. It makes getting back on the wagon hard.....when you start seeing that there is always a set back down the line. Its like willingly setting yourself up for the fall. I dunno what to do.

I think i may try calling an old therapist .....im broke , but maybe she will have some options for me.