I'm sick of myself and this is my story...

Ok so this is the first time I'm posting on reddit after +- 2 years of just searching posts on reddit which I can relate to. (sorry for my bad english it's not my native language) I'll try to make a short story out of this because so many stuff happened in the last few years.

I'm a 22y male that lives in a small country in Europe but in the past I've lived in another country too for a few years so I went through a lot of changes but I could always adapt easy to these, but 5 years ago when we moved again to this country I was 16 years old and pretty depressed because I've lost pretty much all friends I had in the other country.

The good thing was that I could meet up with a few friends from when I was a little child. I found out that they were smoking weed and I tried it too because I always was interested in drugs that could change the way you think so I didn't hesitate what means I would probably have used drugs in the other country too if I had the chance.

I started smoking on and off for a few months and suddenly by the age of 18 I was smoking many grams of weed a week, eating unhealthy, not doing good at school, fapping etc.. Suddenly I got a (bad) reality check when my grandpa died, and this was the time I got a "you only live once" mindset (stupid I was) and I started experimenting with pretty much every drug that came in my way because there's so much of them at the place I'm living (shrooms, cocaine, ket, salvia, 2cb, methox, mdma etc.) and I'm not blaming drugs, but I was really abusing them without really knowing it. After raving on and off for a year I experienced for the first time anxiety, panic attacks, and paranoia when smoking weed but I did still use other things like molly till the point I got so fucking depressed (and of course I knew it was because of all the depletion of serotonin but I didn't even care about my mental/physical health) and I quit. I started smoking weed again and unfortunately I still got anxiety but this time it was way worse: experienced derealization! After being full of feelings like panic I found a few posts on google about derealisation and it was good to know that I wasn't really going crazy like I thought. After reading how anxiety, derealisation works etc I got AGAIN into smoking weed because all my friends still did/do and it wasn't the same like in the beginning but I didn't have that much anxiety anymore and my derealization just wasn't there because I knew how it worked.

When I got 20 I met this amazing girl which is still my girlfriend and everything got better. But I still had the urges to escape from my underlying problems but I didn't know that I was really always trying to escape from something so I smoked weed a few times, did some ket, but she always knew ofcourse because I would tell her. But 8 months ago she had to leave because of her exchange year (she have been through some serious stuff too loss of parents etc.) and it was what she always wanted so ofcourse I let her go! It was around this time I had to do my military mandatory service in the other country so I went to the army for 3 months, 3 months of unhealthy habits like sleeping only 3 hours a day, exercising, undereating etc.. When I came back 2 months ago I was glad to have my freedom back, my girlfriend is still having her exchange year for a few months so I thought I had to party one last time hard but I just was being foolish AGAIN and got in the unhealthy cycle of using drugs, fapping, not exercising, eating unhealthy.

Now I have a bit more than 2 months till my girlfriend is back. I really love her and we didn't even fight one time all the time we're not together now.. But it's fucking time to change. I don't want her to find me in this mess. I feel like I've wasted my last teenage years and my first years in my twenties (I've just become 22), and it feels like it's all too late now. I really don't get how I managed to function well the last few years because I was really living in a fog without anyone like my parents and sister knowing, I feel so guilty about all this! But I can say that I found myself in the end going through all this shit, I know now all the reasons of my escapism and really want to make this big change, maybe it sounds a bit of egoistic but I know that deep down like all of us there's so much potential and I / WE don't do anything about it! I'M F**** DONE WITH DRUGS AND FAPPING and I will become the best fucking possible version of myself like all of us have to do instead of getting distracted by fake little pleasures that damage us psysically and mentally!!! F*** all this relapsing everytime we're stronger than this, we know what we have to do, but knowing is not enough, we have to ACT, even when shit gets difficult because it won't be always easy but it will be F***** WORTH IT IN THE END!