How to HTFU and get it done?

Hey y'all,

Weakling here. Have bulked up before, from about 145 to 165. Went through some body image issues and disordered eating patterns and shrunk down from 165 to 130. I have currently been spinning my wheels at 130 for a few months. I'll eat above maintenance for about a week, get so sick of feeling disgustingly full all the time, eat like a bird for a few days, lose my progress, binge from under-eating, and start the cycle over again. I'll get up to about 132, then fail and fall back to 129 or 130.

Do any of you have tips for just hardening the fuck up and doing it? My bulk from 145 to 165 was a few years ago, and I can hardly remember how I managed to force myself to eat so much.

I'm now at the point where most of my clothes don't fit and I'm weak as piss. I want to change back to how I was before, and I just feel overwhelmed even getting started on the right path again.

Thank you, r/gainit. Sorry if this post breaks any rules. It can be deleted if it does.