My peak is now. Form is strong as it never has been. Why ruin it with a cheap trill? Why deplete myself of the animal energy?

Throwaway post, just because, no tl;dr

Even after a ruined last relationship and a girl that is probably never going to contact me again because I messed it all up with codependency, PIED and dishonest phony pussy behaviour, I still hit the gym 3-4 times a week, never skip a leg day, train till I almost cry. Just so that the voice of remorse and guilt in my head goes silent for a few hours.

I talk to the girls. Daily. Even though deep on the inside I have a voice that is stabbing me saying that I will mess it up again and again by being that kind of piece of shit that I am. But at least I PROVE THAT I LIVE. Even if that voice is trying to kill me.

Its not even about my physical appearance. I'm not a model. But I'm also not crippled in a wheelchair (no disrespect). Its about I have this little voice in my head that tells my that I cant do shit. That I'm a failure. That I will fuck everything up so there is no use even trying.

It deprives me of my willpower. I know what I kinda wanna do in live but I can't focus. I can't get myself up to go and pursue the dream. To go live. This is my thoughts today. But The blockade will eventually fade and I will be able to move again just like the snow melts in the mountains.

I only have to figure out how I want to clear the mountain paths so I can navigate them when the blizzard hits you again.

Also I have to figure out how to not let other people problems fuck up my mountain paths and pollute my environment. Because it will fuck up your mountain paths just as much as nature does.

Porn is made to capture my sexual attention, to capture my libido and my power. I cannot control them but I can chose whether I give my energy to them. My energy is my most precious ressource. They didnt earn it. Some random guy banging a double d porn star did in NO WAY earn my attention or my energy.

Been there done that. Sometimes the triggers and stressors is just outsie my locus of control but the push of a button is within my control. My reaction is within my control. Will always be.