I am rapidly deteriorating

I am so isolated and alone. I used to have friends. I used to be as normal as I could be after having been raised in neglect. The shadow of my abuser taints everything that everyone says. My shame is so great that I will stop doing things I love if anyone laughs. I have no one now. I had a mental breakdown and now everyone is gone. I've been completely isolated for 6 years now. I'm not... normal anymore. I don't even know how to talk. No one is relateable. I feel like I am constantly outside the window of a warm and cozy home watching a family eat a hot dinner and shoot the shit. I cannot speak very well anymore. I stammer and stutter now. My health is getting worse. I have been bleeding nonstop for months. As time grinds onward more people forget I even existed, or get weirded out when I reach out.

I want to die so badly. I recently started drinking. It's something I swore I would never do because my parents were alcoholics. But now I drink and it might just be my easy out. No one will care when I am gone. I just need sweet sweet release. I am so tired.