I would hire a library storyteller

He will be a wise old man with white or gray hair and a beard. He will sit in my two-story mahogany library while I host parties. His sole purpose will be to smoke a pipe and tell life stories and parables to me and my guests. For added effect, he will speak softly and have a British accent. I will buy him his own chair to sit in but he is free to roam around the library reading books and smoking his pipe. He must be very insightful and intuitive. I expect to go to him for advice in times of strife and have him help me make decisions, big and small. Salary would start at $150,000 a year for 40-50 hours a week and will receive bonuses based on the advice he gives to me and my guests.

If you fit this description or know of someone who might, PM me and we can work out a deal whenever I win the lottery.