New here, 17-year old whose parents have made his life a mess

Hi, everyone,

I'm 17 and was searching google about abussive parents and found an article saying it's ok to break contact with them, and that article suggested this wonderful page. I've never found something so relatable, and I'll try to explain my story the best I can. My father is a coward, who was raised with everything prepared for him and hence now doesn't know how to be an adult at 51. He's messy, never gave me advice or shared his passions with me (in fact he has very few passions). Worst of all, he succumbs to the overbearing authority of my mother.

My mother is one hundred times worse, for she abuses me emotionally everyday. The best I can put it is, she and my father should be divorced. She yells at him basically everyday for his laziness, etc. but refuses to get a divorce because she doesn't 'believe' in that. EVERYWHERE we go she makes a scene, and mentally I have a long, international list of places I can't revisit without triggering unpleasant memories.

What's worse, however, is that my mother blames me for her failing marriage. She yells at my father everyday but demands I respect him because he has money, and yells at me incessantly whenever I step out of line, saying "I can't deal with him now because I have to deal with you! and now your father is benefiting from the fact that I'm not yelling at him!". Moreover, she's gotten super lazy over the years as well, refusing to clean up after my father, so our house is a giant mess under all the yelling. Who has to clean everything up? Me, a high school student who's managing so many other things.

The worst part about this is that no one knows but this thread, and I am here under alias, because I'm embarassed of my story. I go to my friends' houses and see loving families with clean houses and that's all I want in life. What's even worse (sorry I feel like I've said that a few times) is that due to growing up in this hell, I wasn't the most friendly, empathetic person because it was tough empathising with people who I knew just had it so much better off than me. Yet no one knew why I was like that, and even if I have a crush on a girl she'll see me as the hostile guy and I honestly don't how to act around her to get her to like me (with a close group of friends, I've been improving my behavior and learning what it is to be a normal person, but I feel like im 17 years late on that, like Im relearning everything).

Now, I'm off to college next year, and although I'm happy about that, I'm sad about the fact that despite how terrible my parents are, I depend on them financially. College admissions see me as a privileged white kid whose family has money but there's so much more to it. If my parents refuse to pay, it's not like I would get financial aid. And after college, my mother just brought up the fact that Im gonna have to live with her and my father since I won't have money of my own ? and i guess that's true and it terrifies me, especially since I also want to go to med school.

Im really confused about my life and feel like I haven't covered everything here but it feels good to finally get it out of my head. I appreciate ANYTHING you have to say because this is literally the first time I'll hear somebody else's opinion on this.

Thanks.