I am not happy

I am not happy

It just hit me today. This is not the life I wanted.I grew up in Mexico, I come from a upper middle class family [dad, mom, sister (25) and me (32)]. Growing up I had it all, both of my parents were elementary school teachers and made good money that way, we traveled for months at a time all around Mexico, I had everything I wanted included the attention and love of two loving parents.I wasn't dumb either. I am actually pretty intelligent and smart. I always got good grades, I was horrible at math but I was skilled enough to get excellent grades even though I wasn't good at it.I got my first job at 19 and I started making good money for myself. I didn't need to pay rent, food or school since I was on a scholarship, even then I was given extra money by the government because I was a great student.I went to college and worked at the same time. I always loved school, I loved my job as an ESL teacher and I am an ambitious person so I was always proud of who I was, how far I went on my own merits and how successful I was for my age.Not only that. People think I'm good looking as well. Not the tall blonde time, but very cute. I always had the attention of guys and I was very friendly and sociable. I had an awesome social circle, friends and coworkers. During my free time I used to go salsa dancing, the movies, parties, coffee places, travel with friends for fun or go to conferences with coworkers.I ended up deciding I wanted to expand my cultural knowledge and applied for a job in the USA. I got it and I met, my now husband, two months after I moved here.He proposed shortly after we started dating and we married within 10 months of knowing each other. Everything was perfect. I got a good looking husband, who is also quite smart and very intelligent, we got a beautiful house...I was happy.We had problems conceiving but we finally made a beautiful baby boy who was the Morris image of his dad. Shortly after, we welcomed to this world to a beautiful baby girl who was born a week before my son's first birthday.Everything was going according to plan. I always had it all. I always made good choices in life. I loved my life.Then, life happened.My son was diagnosed as autistic, a few months later my daughter was diagnosed as well. Stupidly enough, I agreed to a third child since my first two were mildly autistic. Here I am, staying at home with a possible third autistic child.I finally realized I feel trapped. With childcare costs to the roof and one income we can't afford daycare and me going to work. I don't have a valid degree here so I can't make enough money to justify me going to work and sending my kids to daycare. I'll go back to college later.Having children on the spectrum as many of you should know is a nightmare at times. I have people coming in and out of my house doing ABA, or some other sort of therapy. Even after a year, my son is still mostly non-verbal, my daughter is speech delayed, both horrible eaters, in diapers, and just today my son was tantruming because something stupid wasn't going his way and I picked him up to console him and he head banged my face so now I'm in my room crying while I write this....My youngest is weeks old, so it means I'm stuck here for a very long time, only god knows if this kid will be autistic now, in a few months I'll be able to tell I guess, and I'm sad.It wasn't supposed to be this way. I did everything I could while pregnant, I don't know where the heck things went wrong and downhill. This freaking autism crap i had no idea where it came from, I don't know why. I can't even buy myself clothing, I'm wearing my sisters old clothing to save money, I can't get anything for myself because there's formula to buy, diapers, food, bill to pay, etc....I don't sleep, I don't go out, I don't have any friends, my son has social anxiety and can't strike a conversation with anyone without him freaking out and start pulling me away. I rarely have adult conversation except from my husband when he comes back from work and by the end of the day I'm too exhausted to even wanna go out somewhere, if I do I'd be by myself anyways. I'm on call 24/7 and I practically live where I work.Everything I was is lost. I lost myself. I'm just a cleaning lady, a servant, a cook, a nurse, a driver. I work and I don't even get paid. This staying at home thing stripped me from being something or someone it feels like.I feel guilty. My husband is such a sweetheart, very hard working and always worried about me. I try. I'm trying. But today I just can't.And yes, I'm seeing a psychiatrist for over a year now. My sister committed suicide a year ago and I've been going to psychiatrist ever since. I miss her terribly, my parents are broken-hearted and I can't help them.I just hope things get better. The challenges my children are gonna face because of their autism is something I never considered. It terrifies me and breaks my heart. I miss my sister, I haven't spoken to her in over a year and I can't bring her back, I'm holding onto the memory of the last time I saw her, the very last hug I gave her after dorpping her off at the airport without knowing that was gonna be the last time.My life is upside down now. I hate staying at home, I hate being financially dependent, I hate autism, I hate being a foreigner because I don't fit it, I'm lost.I always had it all. Maybe that's why life is testing me.I'm just venting. I apologize, not trying to start a pity party here, I can't tell this to my husband, I don't wanna worry him. I just wanted to get this off my chest.Ps. Husband if you're reading this. I'm sorry. Im having a bad day.