DAE feel insignificant?

Honestly 100% of my days are spent making other people happy. Making other people feel comfortable. Making sure other people are getting what THEY want. I will give up anything for another person to feel positive.

However I feel like I deserve nothing. I don't deserve happiness. I don't deserve to pick where me and my boyfriend are eating. My opinion is weird. It doesn't matter. It always makes me feel stupid when i voice it

It has made me silent

I feel like I can hardly utter a word in public without hating myself after or worrying about if anyone thought it was weird. I don't feel worthy of talking to others and making friends in class. I feel stupid and like I don't fit it. I feel like people are staring at me all the time and I always think it's because I'm weirdly shaped, fat, or ugly. I have gained a lot of weight (113-140, 5'6) since treatment had been forced upon me two years ago and I hate it. Granted, my rational mind knows I am all muscle but my ED filled mind worries that I'm not realizing all the fat I have.

I have b/p and proactively restricted for the past week and my boyfriend doesn't notice. I think he still thinks I'm doing alright right now. I hate that I'm hiding things from him. I feel like a bad person.

We just had a fight and I just legitimately can't think of a reason for living. I'm pathetic and fat and will never be good enough.

I'm sorry for this I just don't know where to turn to