I touch myself to rape survivors describing their attacks.

I've had a rape fetish as long as I can remember. Even when I was very young and didn't know what sex was, I masturbated while thinking about being restrained and touched.

I don't really like rape porn, mostly because I'm not a fan of porn in general. I do enjoy erotic stories and rape scenes in movies, but sometimes I need something real. So I seek out forums for rape survivors and get off to the descriptions of their attacks. I also like news stories and police reports about sexual assaults.

If you've heard of the article "An Unbelievable Story of Rape," I was titillated by the assault that was described in in it and sought out the actual police reports so I could masturbate to them. The perpetrator of those crimes mentioned that his deviant fantasies had started with seeing Princess Leia chained up by Jabba the Hutt. "Where do you go when you’re five and already thinking about handcuffs?" That's me to a tee.

I tagged this post as [Conflicted] because I know what I'm doing is distasteful. It's wrong that I'm using horrible things that happened to real people to fuel my fantasies and bring myself to orgasm. But then, they don't know I'm doing it, so it's not like I'm hurting them directly.

I'm a woman. I don't know if that makes it better or worse. Sex doesn't do anything for me unless it's simulated rape. I don't feel bad enough about getting off to rape to give up sex entirely. So that's my story.