I can't get an answer

I fell in love with my University Residence floor manager (Not using the uni specific word)

I have never had a crush before, let alone felt the warmth that spreads through my body when I managed to make her laugh.

It Begins She is thoughtful, caring, smart, logical, creative, and has the dorkiest laugh you could ever hear. I started to get to know her only because we had a few similar interests that got brought up, and out of no where we had been talking for 2 hours over face book about them. We sort of talked more after that, and at a dinner event for our floor I noticed someone was lonely and decided to make them feel like they were wanted because I knew how that felt. After the dinner she told me I was a good guy, this made me really happy she thought that. Exams had started to roll around, and Christmas events began and I started to see her way more. It was around this time we were talking and I managed to for the first time hear her real laugh, the super dorky one i mentioned. I didn't think too much of it at the time, I saw her more as a really cool friend who made me feel good about myself.

Plot Thickens I ended up meeting some of her friends one night watching TV with them. She had already seen the series and basically spent 4 hours constantly watching for my reactions, and that attention felt really good. Just seeing her smile at me when i glanced back to see if she was still watching, made me so happy. I started to talk with her about the show that night, and the next day. She kept recommending me more episodes and we talked about those to. I started to know some of her friends and it was around that time I began hanging out in her room to talk with her. I lost count of how many times i did it, but I spent 2-3 hours sitting in her room talking about just about anything, it was never awkward or hard. She started mentioning that I am supposed to be a first year, not friends with her friends and hanging out with her. I asked her if I came off as a first year to her, she told me no, she constantly forgot and had to remind herself I was her res. But she never once told me to leave or that we need to stop. One day while talking with her about a TV show I had recently finished I was feeling really excited, and when I managed to make her laugh... I felt the first blast of warmth. Like nothing i had experienced before, it was amazing. I immediately knew what it was, and after I left back to my room I was so happy and excited, it was all I could think about. As the week went on I felt the urge to talk with her more and more, and so I ignored any of my fears and doubts and acted purely on impulse. I never regretted it, and every time was amazing. But I was not sure if she was just letting me hang because all my friends had started to go home and I was lonely, or because she actually wanted me to. On the final night in res, when it was literally only us two, she and her friend were watching movies and I somehow managed to get invited to join them after bothering them during their first movie. That night they treated me as if I was just a close friend, we joked, laughed, talked, wore face masks, and learned to love Whiplash. It was 4am, and I left to get to bed because she was falling a sleep.

The Break It had been two days into the Christmas break and I had a lot of fun with my friends at home, but she was constantly on my mind. I decided to message her about something I did that day, and she gave a short reply with some interest but not much to be said. The next day though, she messaged me with what she had done that day, and we talked about the food we ate and a movie she watched. From that day on we talked daily, our conversations got so long you could not read a full message on a cellphone screen. We shared so much about ourselves, more than you should especially with someone your supposed to be a supervisor for. Every day I would be waiting on a reply to hear about her day, or see what she thought about something I did or found funny. Every day she made my heart race with excitement when I saw that my message was read and the "..." was forming on messenger. We talked about our dreams, passions, family, things that made us sad, and stupid memes. One day, I decided to ask if she wanted to hang out.... worried that this would basically be telling her I am interested I threw myself into a bean bag chair and hit send. Not to my surprise, she could not make it. I thought I had fucked it all up and made her want to stop talking with me. But she didn't, and we kept talking as if nothing had happened. :D

*Return to School Excited to see her again, all I could think about is what does she really think about me. Does she see me as a close friend? Is she interested in me? I had no clue, and I wanted answer but didn't know if I should ask. The first day back, she didn't know I was going to be there on that day. When I first opened my door to step out, she saw my friend in the hallway... and she let out my name in the cutest most excited way I have ever heard. I to this day am not sure if it was involuntary, or if she knows if I heard her say that. Two weeks go by and we barely see each other, and the online messaging began to slow down to once a week or so. Then one night one of my good friends needed help, and so I asked if she could because it was related to her position. And even though she should not have, she said yes and talked with him. Later that night we talked about the whole event, and I managed to get a really good laugh out of her over messenger. By the end of the conversation I said "I am so happy, I managed to boost a friend confidence and make you laugh all in one night.", she replied to my message with "Your a really great friend my name "

Struck She had no clue what she had said would do what it did, but I started to cry in my room after she told me how sincerely she meant that. I have had a messy past with shitty friends and being ignored, it sort of left me believing that I could not trust anyone; no one not even my closest friends that have never done anything to make me think I can't trust them. It also left me feeling like I was a shitty person, because anyone I ever thought would always be there for me left me and never told me why...so i must have been a bad friend or annoying or just unlikable. After crying happy tears for 60 minutes I messaged her, I told her how she had broke me and I needed to talk about something. So she told me that we could talk the next day but she was busy, so it had to be short. So I go to her room the next day, and I begin to tell her the long and painful story of my history with friends, and why her comment affected me so much. The conversation went on for nearly a full hour, and 30minutes in after I got through a good chunk she sadly looked at me and told me "I want to talk to you as someone that is not your manager, there are things that I would say if I was not". I understood her role was supposed to be neutral, but she told me... "Before the break, and during the break... I really felt like we had become... really close, and I want to talk to you like we are". She then told me she had some things going on in her life that she wanted to talk about with me, and really wished she could share but she couldn't.

She messaged me before I went to bed and asked me if it was okay if she Documented this conversation, because it was a part of her job but she knows i didn't come to her because she was my Manager. I said it was okay, I don't mind her doing her job. (I would come to regret this decision)

What she had done for me was more than anyone has ever done, she fixed something inside of me that I didn't know was broken until she exposed it. And after hearing she had felt close to me I was so happy, all I wanted to do was tell her how I felt. So for the next week and a half I struggled with the idea, knowing that even if she wanted to be in a relationship she couldn't be. So the day after my birthday I asked if she could talk about something that was brought up in our last conversation. She agreed and came to my room for a short chat... And after 10minutes of smiling and skittering around the question... she asked me "is there anything else you want to say?" for the 5th time, and I grinned so wide and said "How did me asking you out over the break make you feel?". Her face lit up with one of the biggest smiles I have seen on her, and she looked excited. She then proceeded to excitedly say "STOP! WE CAN'T TALK ABOUT THIS, STOP!" then told me to do some work and left me room with that massive smile on her face. (Also in that conversation I learned she intentionally kept me at a distance because I had created a bias that was actually affecting her ability to do her job)

Hurt At first I was so happy, I had managed to know she knew how I felt about her and the reaction was arguably one of the best ones I could have gotten while the year was going on. And she had not rejected me either (which my female friends say they would have done even in that position if they were not interested). I was probably the happiest I had been in my entire life... but after a day it started to set in, did I just make the rest of this semester hard for the both of us? Later that day I saw her, and when I looked at her, instead of smiling at the sight of her I couldn't help but feel my cheeks being dragged down to the floor and I could tell it was hard for her to.

This goes on for about 2 weeks. I wrote poetry daily, capturing my ups and downs which were always extreme. The morning I could start the saddest I have been since I lost my best friends, and the end of the day I could be care free and giddy at the thought she liked me. So I message her... I needed to get it all off my chest, and I wanted answers so badly. She agreed to talk with me, and I came to her room. She was sitting in her chair with a dead face, trying to look as professional as possible. And so i began asking her if she had felt the awkwardness I felt, to which she said yes. I told her that I just wanted to normalize everything, but before that I had to tell her some things. I told her how I had never had a crush on anyone in my life, and how my chest was struck with warmth during one conversation... and when she realized I had fallen in love with her I saw he face begin to fall apart, she looked so sad, like she wanted to cry... but she managed to keep it together. I continued and told her that I was aware what I did was impulsive, and I was aware that it would put her in a hard position, but I needed to let her know because it was killing me. I told her how I will never hold anything against her, and how she was honestly a joy to talk to. She told me she liked talking with me to... and i kept talking and she got that same look 4 more times before the conversation was over. By the end of it she had basically said nothing, and I was out of regrets to tell her... only things that would be inappropriate for a res to say to a don. Like how amazing her laugh is, how much I appreciate her, how all I wanted to do was see and make her smile. She told me that if this conversation can't make me feel better I should see a counsellor, little did she know I had an appointment set up for the next morning.

I woke up, and I was crying. I did not feel any better only more upset that I had made he so sad. Realizing that what I was truly scared of, was that I would never be able to make her smile anymore. That I would never be able to look at her and light up, and have her do the same for me. I messaged her about it that morning and said to take it as you will, you don't need to respond. She linked me all the counselling services on campus, i hit her with a read and didn't reply. I then went to my appointment, and to my surprise he was really nice to talk with, and he honestly gave me a lot of options and expressed how he was impressed with the way I handled the situation... and of all the people in the building to let someone cross that line, he did not think it would have been her. Mid conversation i get a message from her, she wanted to talk. I was happy and confused, if she was not willing to break the rules last night and tell me how she felt what could she have to say now? I wrap up my meeting with my counsellor and continue with my day until it was time to go talk with her. I entered her room, too my surprise there was no weirdness in the air; which was a huge relief that at least that was fixed. She began reading to me things she had on her laptop screen, it was a scripted message she had written after talking with one of her supervisors. The monthly report had finally been read, including the documentation of the conversation we had that night where she told me how close she felt we were. Her supervisors had mandated that she can no longer have extended contact with me, she may not longer be an emotional support, and she may only be an academic resource. That was it, and I left.

Banned It was not until the next day it had set in... She was no longer allowed to talk with me, I could not get any answers, experiences, or even much contact until the end of the year. I fell back into being depressed for a few days, and then got a more neutral perspective on the whole thing. I thought about her perspective, how i know she feels, how i know she thinks, and how if she really liked me and I didn't destroy what was already made by the end of the year I will at least be able to get an answer. I still get jealous when I see her get excited and laugh with other people, or even when someone from her class comes over to study. But i started to handle it better.

After writing and thinking I began to realize something, the reason I truly loved her, what made he so special to me other than all her amazing qualities and flaws I see as fun things about her. She had made me feel like I was worth something, she told me things that no one in my life has ever vocalized to me. She fixed me, she gave me confidence and self worth... and I knew she was honest when she told me all the amazing things she saw in me.

But now I am stuck, its like limbo. I know I love her, and I know she will eventually talk to me again. But I want to at least have the relationship we had before back, because I valued that the most. So I worry, and continue. Her Facebook feed is a sad mix between memes, and things about her not wanting to feel anymore. And anytime i see her having a bad day, or something has happened all I want to do is be there with her and support her and I can't.

It hurts so much.