Frustrated with myself - I never get/got out of my shell

Ever since I turned 20 I've had this sinking feeling that life is seriously passing by me at every turn and I fail to grab the opportunities thrown at me. It's happening right now too and I always fail to grab ahold of chances for a happier or at least more interesting life.

I often choose solitude or complacency when things have just started to go in interesting directions and it's because I feel uncomfortable. I prefer the safety and comfort of nothing rather than the uncertainty of challenge. It's been going on for a long time, this bad way of dealing with life, but I can't ever seem to definitively put an end to it.

Except for now, and it hurts more than it ever has. It seems I have picked the life of complacency for good. I finally stopped trying to get myself out of my shell after too many flopped attempts, it's as if part of my soul has left me or gone to sleep, maybe depression. I've spent more than two weeks without speaking to anyone in person out of personal inquiry and that's a first. I've usually felt lonely but not so much that it kept me from interacting completely.

It's actually because I struggle to engage other people and it's always been my trouble, ever since i was younger, but I find it's increasingly harder to act accordingly to my age and again, it feels like life is passing me by, not just that but it's also slipping between my fingers like I lost my grip and now it's fallen several miles down and I can't even get close to it again.

It frustrates me... it frustrates me because I know this is my own doing somehow. I know I'm the only one who could've prevented this; the only one who can turn it around eventually, but my vision has faded and I can no longer see it.

I just feel lost. I spent my whole childhood thinking I would overcome all my problems when I'd grow up. My shyness, my incompetence with being social, or team sports, or that I'd become good at a profession.

I've finally spoken to a doctor about these things, now I'm taking a leave of absence from university and I'm meeting a psychiatrist next month. It's my only hope -- if only reality weren't so bleak right now. My 10-year-old self would've been so disappointed in me.

To wrap up, I know all this is vague. I'm just taking the emotions that zoom around in my head like a little annoying fly. It's all I can muster to think about at this particular hour. I hope it doesn't come across as whiny or that I think I'm king shit of self-special people. I've just had it really rough lately, I can't find out how to find a peace of mind. I just wake up and go to bed one mindless daze of a day after the other. It's not very pleasant to live like this where there's no light at the end of the tunnel and as if your eyes can't adjust to darkness. I've never felt this foggy and unwilling before, and it just makes me frustrated with myself, becuase I have a slight feeling if I could just give myself a slap on the cheek I'd wake up and go back to being functional, but nothing is just never easy that way. I also have regret. I could've made certain decisions differently in the past -- many times -- but that's in the past and there's nothing I can do about it now. I just have to live with not having anyone on my own and not really having anything I can be proud of and spending half my awake hours going back and forth on Reddit because I don't bother to just try something that might help me more.