Depression.

Drinking made me depressed so I stopped, more than a decade ago. Family made me depressed so I moved to another state and rarely visit. Cutting back on my antidepressant made me depressed so I upped it again. Sitting around thinking too much made me depressed so I started brisk 5 mile walks, chatting with acquaintances, and doing projects around the house every day.

My point is, I'm doing All The Right Things but I'm so profoundly "wilted" deep into my soul regardless. If you met me you probably wouldn't see it; I exercise, eat right, smile now and then, crack some good jokes. But I'm finding it harder and harder just to continue on with life. What's the point of it? To watch and feel myself getting older, more jaded, weaker, more ill? To hear about icebergs melting and animals going extinct and sex trafficking of children and the human population doubling again? It's just so exasperating, all of it.

When I was a little girl I remember reading about all those housewives who stuck their heads in the oven, and wondering why in the world a human being would do that... now I get it.

I didn't have kids so there's no real family holding me here, but I am married and that's been something of an anchor for me. I do love him. I guess that has to be enough right now.

Thanks for reading.