Even when I try, I just can't spit out my gender problems to my therapist.

New account cause I can't remember my old trans related throwaway account.

For several years, I've been working up the courage and actual accessibility to see a therapist to talk about gender issues. Like, for three years I've been actively questioning and it's really fucking intense to talk about. I just keep thinking, "how could I possibly think I'm a man in a woman's body? That's fucking ridiculous bullshit." Every time I think about it, I feel overwhelming embarrassment, anxiety, and depression. I am actually drunk as I'm typing this because I don't think I can write this out sober. I'm terrified.

And that's my problem. Now that other life problems like moving and new job and insurance have been sorted out, I got in touch with a social worker who just referred me to a psychiatrist to see me about my mood problems. I've been put on antidepressants and my social worker suggested a minimum diagnosis of adjustment disorder. I told her about my episodes; I told her I felt like an impostor in my own body and lost in sense of self. She described them as being that of depersonalization. At one point, she asked me if my discomfort and stress had anything to do with gender, and I freaked out and just muttered, "Idon'tknow".

I know I shouldn't be doing this. I should just come out and say it, lay it flat on the table like I've wanted to do for the past three years. But it's so fucking hard. It took me two years and several shots JUST to have the courage to order a binder online, for god's sake. Then realizing it didn't fit and that I would have to exchange it gave me a motherfucking panic attack, literally. I get on the verge of tears just thinking about it (though maybe that's the gin talking) and I have no clue how to disclose my secret while sober. I can't spit it out.

I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm panicking. I want to tell her what's going on, but I pussy out every time. Have you gone through this, too? Tell me how to snap out of the cowardice and just say it. I've been bottling it up for years and it seems fucking impossible.

If I don't reply much, it's cause it's late and I have work in the morning. But I'll answer back when I can, hopefully not while I'm drunk as shit. Thanks.