The worst thing I do because of my ED

I wish this place had a confession tag, but oh well.

My anti-depressent is usually my lifesaver, but I found out when I take it on an empty stomach it causes severe, debilitating nausea, panic attacks, and dizziness. When I want to fast, purge, or otherwise self-harm I'll take it on an empty stomach deliberately to make it impossible for me to eat and make myself sick (because I just can't bring myself to stick anything down my throat). The panic attacks speed up my heart rate so I know I must be burning more calories than usual.

If anyone is thinking about trying this, do not. You'll regret it. The nausea, dizziness, and panic attacks are utter hell and last for 12, 16, 18 hours, and I ALWAYS regret my decision to self-harm like this. But I've gotten to where I do it twice a week or more because it helps me lose weight. =( I need to stop.