The Bell Has Tolled

I've been lurking on the forum for a couple years. I've been using, no, abusing, kratom for over 3 years. Only a few months after I had found it, I had broken every rule I made about using it. I was dosing 4-5 (or more) times a day within the first 5-6 months at 5.5-6 grams each dose up to a max of 7 grams (which didn't work cause it made me sick). So, basically, I've been dosing 6 grams every 3-4 hours a day.

I nearly quit one year after I started. I executed a very successful taper, wasn't painless, but within a 2-week period, I could have jumped.... I didn't. I started using again. I didn't feel motivated enough to quit. My main reason to quit was because I was hiding it from my family... sneaking. It wasn't that I wanted to quit, it was that I didn't want to get caught. Soon as I thought I would be safe to eat the shit, it was back.

Sadly, the fuck-shit of RLS I went through, the crying spells, the extreme lethargy, etc. wasn't enough to make me not pick it back up. No, instead I thought, "Oh, that wasn't bad. I can do that again anytime..." Classic addict reasoning to use.

It's not my first go-around with addictions. Meth, alcohol, prescription opiates, even crack (sadly). I had cleaned up my life and been sober for 7 years(!) when I found out about kratom. I even almost didn't order it because I knew I shouldn't uncover any potential avenues to wake that addictive personality. But. I. Did.

I became a triathlete during my sober time. Actually achieving a prominent status. Well, that was my new addiction. I even competed in women's figure shows, podium finishes. Happy life, happy family... I survived the streets and had overcome the worst obstacles. Why order this shit and wake the beast?

One problem led to another. Before I knew it, other things were becoming okay now. Ecstasy, cocaine, research chemicals, and doping.

Rock bottom happened. A cascade, avalanche, waking that demon inside me with a fucking leaf. And here I sit, rewriting the story of my life as a result. Rebuilding my life and who I believe myself to be.

I'm tapering again. I have 500g to get it done. No reordering. I've come clean to my family and amazingly they are my watchdogs. I failed 6 different times in the past 2 months... going back to my normal dose for a week here and there. But I keep trying. Eventually, I'll screw myself out of a taper and run out anyway.

The bell has tolled. It's over. And I have to get this done. I have a life to get back to dammit.