Self-rant. Motivation, a little push here? I feel like I have so little to help me with improving, but I want to make an attempt to get on my HS Volleyball team, since it'll be my last year.

--lol, TLDR; at the bottom for those who don't want to read the novel--

All of a sudden, I had this urge to try out (again) for my high school's volleyball team in Fall. Loling, because it's pretty much impossible for someone who didn't play for two years (quick story on that: the fee was $150, didn't have the money. Found out wayy later that there are exceptions, and I would've been able to join without paying), and didn't make it on the team for quite a few years (I found out about all the "exceptions" thing my Freshman, so I was unprepared for the tryout. Didn't make it.)

So why try now? The coaches are gonna expect a shi- load from a senior, so it's basically Varsity or gtfo. And you're a 5'4" girl with scrawny limbs. And you've never had experience with volleyball camps. Don't they cost a lot?

I know, it's my last year, what do I have to lose, right? If you want to be a part of the team, fuh'ing fix your attitude, work on your muscles, PRACTICE.

But tHE THING IS, I DON'T HAVE THE MOTIVATION TO. I don't have a "position" to play in. I need/want someone who also takes Volleyball seriously to continuously practice with me, but who has the time to work a person like me, who barely has a chance? I don't locally know anyone who can practice with me.

Can't I try without being laughed at or pointed out ;_;

The only times I play are during my Lunch hours, and it's good, yeah, it gets me sweating and all, but I want more than that.

Please, I just need some tough love here. Advice. Someone help. At the moment, just any advice, anything will be useful for me.

Look, I didn't plan for this to be so depressing, but this feeling just came back after getting rejected the second time when I tried out my Sophomore year (i tried so hard, but results still weren't good. felt like utter asswipe for a while). I don't want this to go away.

TLDR; want to make an attempt for HS volleyball team, but has below average experience. Wants to improve, but doesn't have the motivation.

I sincerely apologize for this thread, but feel like I'm slowly losing myself as time ticks on.