I can't keep getting into that ambulance, I can't keep helping these people

Every week, between classes and work, I take an 8 hour shift at my local First Aid Squad. I've been doing it for just over a year now, and, I just don't know if I can go on. I'm only 18, but I've seen things that most people never see in their life.

I just got back from my shift half an hour ago, and I'm really just at my wits end. Today was, terrible. We got a call in, a high speed automotive collision with a tree. The car had in it a married couple and their newborn daughter, only 8 months old. They collided with this massive tree at 70ish mph.

Only the father survived, and just barely. But he was concious. And he just, I can't. He understood fulyy what had happened. He understood that his whole life was taken from him. None of his fucking family was left.

He was driiving the car. We're still not sure how they collided, but I can't imagine the guilt he feels. He was screaming. From the pain, physivcal, and emotional. Fuck, his screams.

And the wife. My god, she was beuatiful. How could someone so pretty die so easily? She was crying blood, and her frame, mangled. I couldn't bear to look at the baby clearly.

Sorry if my typing is off, I'm about 7 shots deep at this point. After shifts like this, it's the only thing that caN help me sleep.

I mean fuck, I'm 18 years old.

I'm sorry. I just, needed to get this out. It's hard holding this all in. I started doing this because I wanted to save people, I wanted to help them in anyway I could, because it's too late for me. I don't want people to become like how I have.