Old Gods
Mechanical beasts cut plaid-green
ribbons and ruts, American canals between
our shared blood. Golden
fields of corn, white-gold cotton
cast shadows of old gods.
Men, women, children cut by
bolls and whips. American veins
made to shed blood. Scarred,
black bodies, red cotton
cast shadows on us.
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5zesz0/pygmalion_apnea/dexlcna
Edit: snow-white to white-gold, red-stained to red
Posted Mar 26, 2017, 8:10 PM UTC · edited
Alright, so please forgive me; I'm new to this. Let me start out by saying the obvious, I really liked this poem. I especially like the imagery.
Men, women, children cut by
Bolls and whips. American veins
Made to shed blood.
I really like those lines in particular. I also like the thoughts that this poem provokes relating to nationalism and remembrance. This is one of the first poems I've read on this sub, and it looks like I've found a great subreddit if the rest are like this! Really nice job.
Those were some of the lines I was least confident in, so I'm glad to hear you liked it. Thanks for the feedback!
I came here to comment on your poem but lost it over reading something that prolly wasn't actually a poem.
Very very clean imagery. cold and direct. I like the ray of hope (from an imagery stand point maybe not so much context) that's glinted at in the last sentence of the first stanza.
And it may not be on purpose but the rhymes of the first stanza green, between and golden, god are very subtle and may just be my brain forcing a pattern, but I really like it.
You did an amazing piece.
Thank you! I had some writers block and those sonic qualities were what I based the poem on, and then moved from there. So they were definitely on purpose and I'm glad they came out in your reading.
Awesome work. I particularly like the rhyme scheme. My poetry professor loves to talk about the meaning stored in linking words with rhymes and this poem does that very well.
I never really thought of this and I'm a bit disappointed in myself. Thanks for the perspective! I'll keep that more in mind for future pieces.
Yes you did! You just didn't know it
Thanks for making me conscious of this though. I feel like it'll give me so much more perspective on word choice and why certain rhymes work or don't work.
You're welcome! If you want a good (dense) book that talks about things like that in addition to meter, I'd recommend the first section (70 or so pages) from Fussel's Poetic Meter and Poetic Form.
I love it. I really do. The imagery that is provoked at the end, when at first it seems as if it is a poem idealizing America itself, but then becomes switched to highlight that dark past of America itself is beautiful. The striking visual helps aid with the shocking feeling that the ending provokes, while the beginning sets it up perfectly. Nice job.
I appreciate it, thanks!
The US and in a certain way most of the western world is currently going through a very pronounced dichotomy, you manage to be topical, punctual and even so not all that controversial, like "a brief US history through poetry". I would've liked to see a more debatable point, but I don't think it would be possible to be this brief and this thought provoking while going for more controversy.
Counterpoint: in a country that gutted the voting rights act, is actively trying to ban travel of Muslims into the country, and is seeing a resurgence of white nationalism, I was pointing out where this nationalism gets us. The piece itself is not meant to be controversial or even political, just a statement on how nationalism usually equates to white superiority and how dangerous this is. And because I live in the deep south, where confederate flags are sewn into our state flags and flown from overcompensating pickup trucks, this does seem like a relevant point to make. And this isn't to rant against you, I just felt the need to back up what I stood for and I'm glad I got the opportunity to say this.
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Good point (and I appreciate critical feedback, I haven't gotten nearly enough honestly). I like plaid-green because it describes the shape more than the color, but the other two are way too cliche. Thanks!
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Sorry, reddit didn't send me a message. I'll pm it
I have no idea what this means, but apparently it has something to do with vets.
This was a good poem. I loved the imagery, tone, and unconventional language.
You do you, but I'd like it if I could know what you were talking about! haha.
I still loved it though. Good work.
Hint: think pre-1865 united states
Hahaa. Got ya. Now it makes more sense. Very nice.
Patriotism as a dead, dying, and decrepit old religion. So interesting. Such violent imagery juxtaposed versus such a common refrain, love of country. That we cannot escape our past, despite how we patronizingly and ignorantly embolden our greatness, our ironic freedom, and memoralize the blood shed for it. The wrong blood, in this case.
Great thought-provoking poem. Good job.
Is this a poem or is this just poetic? My phone opened up to you so maybe I was just in a poem mind frame but damn, do I love it. I'm seeing it as spoken word, you can rip off my rip off and post it.
Patriotism, dead, dying a decrepit old religion
Such violent imagery, juxtaposed, versus common refrian
Love of country, we cannot escape our past.
Patronizingly ignorant, embolden our greatness,
our ironic freedom, memorialized the blood shed for it,
the wrong blood.
Dazam dude, I didn't even see that. When I make two more critiques and it's been a day at least, I'll post that. Go me, inadvertently!
Thanks for the assist!
Thanks! Totally agree with everything there, but it was weird to write a "political" piece.
The truth is stranger than fiction, as they say.