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r/OCPoetry•
CunningCapybara

A Vulture Made Its Nest

Feedback Received!

There came a time upon my life a vulture made its nest,

inside my mind it cawed and coo'd,

in nights I found no rest.

It picked at bones, it broke my will, my worth was all but gone.

I wished so much that bird would leave

yet, loved its crooked song.

See, before no bird would roost, my sky was grey and cold,

so even though it flapped and shrieked

my vulture made me bold.

I knew its wings, the way it spat, how it fed on lies.

It's crooked beak, talons of fear

that gouged to blind my eyes.

When moon was black it came to feast and whisper truths of woe.

"I am you as you are me,

you can't escape, you know?"

 

one; two

Posted Mar 28, 2017, 7:24 PM UTC · edited

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ButterballHotline•

I feel that this has a great flow! The central metaphor is pretty easy to see, though I wonder if your message with it is as clear as you want it to be? After looking it over a few times I'm not sure if the speaker wants to be away from the vulture or if the speaker appreciates his presence because previously his "sky was grey and cold"? My present interpretation is that the speaker's life was dull previously but is currently full of negative feeling represented by the vulture (I imagine, depression). If your poem is about being accepting of a depressive disorder of some kind, then I guess I'm not having as much trouble with it as I thought.

The one thing that I'm a little iffy on is that ending line. The quick shift to the colloquial "you know" was a little jarring for me, especially since it only came in the final two words. You have a fairly classic and formal poetic tone here that then gets kind of dropped.

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CunningCapybaraOP•

Thanks so much for your words! Yeah I was going for depression, how even though it is a terrible thing to carry, it gives the narrator a sense of being or personality so to speak. I didn't even see that in the last line. I'm not too versed in classical poetry so I am assuming you mean the verbiage of the whole poem is almost an ode to older styles, and the "you know?" Is like a modern juxtaposition?

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ButterballHotline•

Yeah, just generally your poem sounds, on the spectrum of how "serious" a poem is, to be more towards the end of Romanticism or something rather than towards the end of Slam Poetry. So the "you know?" just sounds a little out of place.

Regarding your edit, I think the rhyme is nice and doesn't change the meaning, which is good. It does significantly change the rhythm of the final line, and I dunno. I think your rhythm is pretty naturally good through most of the poem, but both versions of that final line feel slightly off for different reasons (originally the colloquialism, now the addition of several more sounds.) Is that any help at all?

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CunningCapybaraOP•

Yes I definitely! It was forced so I'm not surprised at the reaction to it.

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ButterballHotline•

Cool! Good to know! Maybe it could just do with another pass. Sometimes to fix these problems I actually find I can fix the problem by adding MORE lines so I can say all the same things (and a little extra) and communicate the same meaning. Obviously with your structure you'd have to add quite a few more lines to maintain it, though.

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HeardYouCall•

I didn't like The Stag so much but this is really good, like really really good.

Like I said last time, you do have a way for imagery itself, but this time it really matches up with the structure, I don't feel like any part detracts from the overall. Even the rhyming, which is normally something I dislike, works very well as you managed to not depend on common and overused pairings in order to maintain the pattern, I mean, while you do have "nest, rest" and "cold, bold", they don't stick out because of "woe, know", "lies, eyes" and "gone, song" (this last one is very dependent on accent, which is something I feel furthers the identity of the piece).

I mean, it's good, how can you argue with quality?

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CunningCapybaraOP•

Thanks! It was pretty fun to write too.

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Gummyfail•

##The Gist of it

This piece owes an obvious debt to The Raven (as countless works do) because, like Poe’s, the object is a bird (specifically a bird associated with death) and it comes at a critical point in the narrator’s life (this importance created by the bird). It also puts forth an attempt at using rhyme to (here’s where i’m less certain) create a thudding and forboding atmosphere. The big difference is how death and condemnation are represented in this. While, Poe’s is a more emotional violence, this vulture is a Promethean punisher. This violence is clearly metaphorical as the bird opens his mouth and Shyamalan's the narrator.
 
This bird seems to represent some sort of mental illness (I’m guessing Bipolar Disorder due to the ‘love of the crooked song’).  
##Some Techniques Used
 
The Meter used is a traditional iambic meter with a patterned length of (7 feet, 4 feet, 3 feet). It was only altered in
 

See, before no bird would roost, my sky was grey and cold,

and

"I am you as you are me,

The rhyme used is a traditional A-U*-A, B-U*-B, and so on (with U* being unrhymed lines).
 
The motif is a relationship of a bird and the tree it made its nest in is fairly straightforward with the Promethean twist.  

##Was it a Success?
 
I think this piece ultimately fails, because the sonic qualities do not match the narrative put forth. It's very rhyme-y whyme-y and the meter (which was only altered twice) accentuated that aspect in a way where the attempted mood is spoiled by tinkling. Now, I'm not saying that rhyming and meter can't go well with serious subjects, but those techniques in this work ultimately detract from the narrative attempted, because it does not create the sickly sweet atmosphere of a Plath or Poe piece, but rather stilts the dagger it attempts to plant.
 
##How to improve
 

#this poem
 
I think the best course of action here is to look back at “The Raven” and maybe a Plath work like “Daddy” and see how the rhyme works with the narrative. Learn their rhythms inside and out, and then think carefully of how to add musical violence to your narrative.
#generally
 
I would worry about strengthening your enjambments. Right now they are serviceable, but they don’t feel especially powerfully used.
 
I hope I helped!

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CunningCapybaraOP•

This is much more of a review than I thought I would ever get, but thank you! I'm not traditionally versed in poetry or its techniques so it's interesting to see you illuminate some things that I did off-hand. As far as the rhyme scheme goes and how it adds or detracts from the atmosphere, I think the contradiction between the sonic nature of the poem and its contents can be attributed to how I was thinking about it: a depression overcome. So it's really a reflection on this time and not supposed to be something that steeps. I would almost say that this could be looked at as a story someone tells with some playfulness, "yeah that time was dark and it sucked but I've grown past it and learned a lot". Obviously, this isn't inherent in the poem itself but none-the-less, I really appreciate your comment that gives me a lot to chew on!

edit: and yes I have had enjambment comments on each of my poems. I think it stems from how I have visually seen poetry growing up. It's always been curt lines and smaller phrases, never sentences. I also tried to very much avoid the poem being a four sentence narrative for the sole purpose that I just didn't like it visually + it seems like a song more than art to me but that's my bias lol.

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Gummyfail•

How did the template come across? I'm trying to make sure I am more thorough in my critique by looking at all of the things someone might need and outsider voice on.

The idea of depression overcome, doesn't come across very clearly for me because the lack of indication that there is an outside narrative. Maybe frame it with a few lines in a different style? I'm not sure. I still think the rhyme would benefit rolling around in Plath for a bit.

Enjambments are hard! it takes a bit to be able to do something meaningful with them fairly easily, but when you do, the amount you are able to tell in fewer lines skyrockets!

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CunningCapybaraOP•

I liked the format because it is very streamlined and allows me to see what is where. The conciseness of it is visually easier as well, I see specific comments and not just a wall of text.

I have a problem with transcribing my own internal context of the poem to the poem itself. I think I'm going to begin trying to be less cryptic about my mood. I often place the ability to write well over the ability to actually tell and advance the story, so it makes sense that this miscommunication happened between myself and the reader. I am just starting out though and I love the medium so I am loving the chance to keep improving!

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Woodsy113•

I'm a sucker for good titles and yours really drew me in. I felt this was a very fun, nicely balanced read about a subject readers would likely find commonality with (however unfortunately). Looking forward to more in the future.

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CunningCapybaraOP•

I'm glad you enjoyed it! Despite the subject matter I guess I always had that light tone to it with the rhyme scheme and everything anyways, so to me it feels right at home. The enjambment in it sucks but if you'd like more I authored The Stag. Just search this sub if you haven't seen it already :)

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ArtByBennett•

This definitely has to be my favorite poem I've read on OCpoetry. My only suggestion would be that talons threw me off the meter. You might consider replacing them with claws or something equally monosyllabic.

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CunningCapybaraOP•

Wow, I am honestly flattered by that comment! Talons was a tricky choice for me, because I don't even think I gave myself another alternative, I kinda jut ran with it hoping people would pronounce it tal-ons instead of taluns. Glad you liked it though!

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IllogicalMind•

I clicked on this post because I was intrigued by its name. Was not dissapointed.

This poem has an awesome flow, I couldn't help but sing it because it seems like a very dark nursery rhyme. The rhymes are really interesting and well done and they all sound so good altogether.

However, one thing that bugged me out was the metre of the poem: some verses are too long while most are "normal" sized; I believe you could work on that either by separating/pulling some verses together or trying to constrain the verses a little to make them shorter.

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CunningCapybaraOP•

So glad you enjoyed it! The line sizes I tried to keep as similar as possible, and on some of the longer runs my hope was that people would adjust it to the meter and almost "bounce". So something like being read as: see-before, no-bird would-roost, my-sky-was-grey-and-cold, but I certainly see what you mean.

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perfumed-ponce•

This has a fantastic sing-song quality to it. I really enjoy how the piece begins relatively lightly and descends so quickly into darkness. The juxtaposition between content and nursery rhyme-esque rhythm is delicious. I also enjoy how open the meaning is; I immediately applied it to my own context, and thought of someone who is extremely manipulative. But it could also mean a myriad of other things - depression, self-doubt, egoism, etc. I love the ending.

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CunningCapybaraOP•

I'm glad, or really not I guess (screw manipulative people!), you could find common ground in it. That's my main goal with my writing is to give everyone a seat at the table, thank you for reading!

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anoddlittlebird•

I would echo what has already been stated and emphasize that the ending line does seem to work against the flow you've established (conceptually, however, I like the idea just want it to be integrated differently). All in all, well done.

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CunningCapybaraOP•

Thanks! How do you mean integrated differently? I suspect you mean make it a bit more subtle?

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anoddlittlebird•

Subtle, sure. Without the quotes? Extend the verse and massage that part of the message into said extension?

Take it for what it is - a small critique, certainly not the gospel.

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Panopticon75•

I like the metaphor and the argument put forth by the poem: to feel depression is better than feeling nothing at all, to feel SOMETHING is better than nothing at all. I don't see the poem as complete as yet, and this is perhaps what confuses other reviewers as well, although none seem to identify it. What I mean is the poem starts of at some point in the past, states its argument, and goes no-where after that. It's like a glimpse of something, a still photo, an image, without some resolution or future. Basically what I read was: At some point in the past (for no reason given) depression came into my life and even though it sucks at least I feel something and this thing is here to stay because it is a part of me. OK! I think this problem can be solved by changing tense thought the entire poem to simple present, but of course that will unravel your rhythm/rhyme scheme. Another option is to tack on a stanza in simple present tense that brings me the reader into immediacy of the action taking place. I want it to feel intimate and immediate but the choice of tense prevents me from connecting with the poem on that temporal level.

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CunningCapybaraOP•

That is exactly what I was afraid of! I was going to add a sixth stanza because I noticed that, symmetrically, it needed one, but when I started it became forced and didn't follow the mood I had created at all so I just threw it up as is. I may try to go back and revise it here in a moment, do a couple variations on the theme with and without rhyme.

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Panopticon75•

I think you will find some way to resolve this. It's in the poem, begging to come out. I feel it, something about the relationship to the vulture must yet be resolved. Like, the vulture clearly causes much suffering and fear, I mean the language strikes fear in me, you know-gouging of the eyes-that's pretty vivid and violent. THAT cannot be better than feeling nothing at all. The question is, what happened to the vulture after it settled in? Where is the desire to be rid of pain or the desire to have the vulture complete its monstrous work of picking apart a corpse? Or some such idea. Don't give up on it, it isn't a "failure" yet.

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CunningCapybaraOP•

Yeah of course! I am very much a you win or you learn kinda person, so I'm not beating myself up over it lol.

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ldalternate1•

this is so good. I don't know how to make it better and I can't offer much advice, but I would keep "you know" in, despite what others are saying. That line is conversational, so it makes sense that the language is conversational also.

And that's what makes this poem great: the way the language matches the structure/story. Keep it up, good work.

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CunningCapybaraOP•

As I look at it more I am starting to justify it in that same way by saying that since it is the vulture talking, it is more or less natural to have a bit of colloquialism in there. Thanks a lot!

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