Source
r/OCPoetry•
BusterCall4

Write my first ever poem for my girlfriend on Valentine's Day. Do you think I should try and make it a hobby?

Feedback Received!

To me, you are celestial. Forever a thing of wonder.

I sit in your presence as if I'm peacefully floating in a galaxy all my own; feeling the distant warmth of the stars. Completely at peace with the chaos and the beauty around me.

Suddenly,

Your gaze is warm and illuminating like the sun. As if my darkest depths experience a new morning's horizon.

When we separate,

Night falls and I experience your beauty from a distance.

Your spirit ever changing; You wear the cycles of the moon like a jacket. At times, parts of you may remain hidden in the dark. However, there is always comfort to be found in your familiar glow that illuminates even the darkest of my nights.

You are my moon and my sun. My world. My everything.

Edit: when you mess up the title in a writing feedback subreddit...

Feedback: 1 & 2

Posted Apr 2, 2017, 3:26 PM UTC · edited

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Woodsy113•

I really like the imagry you have in this piece and I think you did a great job utilizing and touching on the various aspects of space, lunar cycles and everything else without making it cheesy. My only suggestion would be to pair down certain parts like the section that starts with "your spirit ever changing" which seemed a bit bulky to me. I would anticipate that this could be cleared up with a few line breaks or (potentially) removing a couple unnecessary words. Overall though I think it's a great piece that any s/o would enjoy reading.

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cecilmaverick•

Its a good piece. Your words are smooth like silk which impressed me. I do think you should make it a hobby. A very enjoyable read

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Spusk•

It's pretty cheesy, but I'm sure she appreciated it, and I'm definitely not saying I've never written cheesy stuff myself either. I think if you want to make it a hobby, then by all means you could. I started this through writing as a joke and it eventually stuck, so you never know where you can find your hobbies. I think you will find as you practice more that you will look for cliches and "generic" words and try to incorporate some deeper meaning. The thing i like about poetry is that it can have an outer meaning and then multiple inner meanings. This one kinda lacks that inner meaning, but it's a nice sentiment.

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