The Wayward Compass
I hold my compass close at hand,
In hopes that it shall lead me
Somewhere other than this land
Where all my dreams deceive me.
The needle spins its wayward course,
So in circles I have wandered ;
But still I try to find my way
From all these paths I've squandered.
"I pray I don't wake up to-morrow!",
My nightly cry amid the dark ;
The ledge the only light before me,
The Fires of Hell the only spark ;
Whatever life has given me,
I've now misplaced amid the fight
To unearth errant truth and chivalry,
And bathe the darkness in the light ;
But still I hold my compass near
In hopes that it shall lead me ;
While still it spins in fitful spheres
And all my dreams defeat me.
Posted Apr 15, 2017, 9:54 PM UTC
32
gripping from the start, and the meter and tone complimented the theme of travel perfectly. the meter isn't perfect though, some of the lines don't flow as well as they could. a few suggested touch-ups, just going with the first two lines:
the third and fourth stanza might need some more work. the metaphor you have going is really exciting, and I like the change of pace you have starting here, but perhaps there is more potential. the "I pray I don't wake up to-morrow" line seems a little melodramatic, especially after seeing your wonderful use of this compass as a tool of perseverance and movement and hope. perhaps instead of the third and fourth stanza you have, combine some of the ideas and incorporate it into a single stanza about choosing to not follow the compass because of it's wayward nature? this extends the metaphor, keeps the solid theme throughout, adds some tension, and leaves a stronger emotional impact on the reader. and it gives you a second chance to keep the meter intact.
the last stanza wraps it up perfectly. bravo.
you have a lot of potential, so I hope to see more from you!
Thanks for the insight! Some very astute points. This poem was actually cobbled together from two half-finished poems that I had sitting around and didn't know how to finish; hence why the 3rd and 4th stanza are a little bit awkward and don't really match the theme perfectly.
I thought I could get away with it, but maybe I'll take it apart again and try to add to the 1st and 2nd stanza more organically. Thanks again.