Source
r/OCPoetry•
mrmanman

inspiration

Feedback Received!

you can wait for inspiration
really
but there might be a better way to practice
i hope youve felt it
a sudden vision
a guide
a deeper sense of place or purpose
you dont have to do anything with it
but you might
write
or draw
or sing
or run
or laugh
or cry
or be
the second wind
a surprise
its a person you couldnt believe existed
this whole time
its a new exotic fruit
an idea
that lets you see things freshly
shed skin brighter than your imagination limited
a shooting star
you could stare at the sky night after night
and never see one
and itd be worth it
there is magic here
if youll let it

1 2

Posted Apr 16, 2017, 6:57 PM UTC

12
Woodsy113•

I very much like the vibe of this poem and feel that inspiration being so close is a very welcome topic. My recommendation for strengthening this poem would be to employ line breaks. I mean, "second wind" is like practically begging for it! My only other thought is that some lines could be pruned of unnecessary words, so maybe play with that in your head a bit. Thanks.

2
yxkpro•

love the theme! it has a "Pure Imagination", from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, vibe to me. like a teacher talking to a student, letting you in on a little secret. as much as I love what you have, I think there's room for some editing. I imagine the same concept with more musical phrasing, perhaps alliteration and rhyme, just to fine-tune your message. probably my favorite part of the poem incorporates it very well:

you could stare at the sky night after night and never see one

and I think it has that impact because of the phrasing complimenting the message so well. the bright long-I assonance describing the sky and the night is perfect. with a little bit of a punch like that, maybe an onomatopoeic crunch with your exotic fruit, for example. these little pieces of musical expression can really bring your work to the next level.

great work!

1