Mystics
[deleted]
Posted Apr 18, 2017, 7:28 AM UTC
25
Not sure if this was intentional but as I visualized what you described, I put myself in the narrator's shoes. I saw the children in a sort of creepy manner. You never described them but the way you wrote it made it feel like they are well dressed and kept and were staring at me the whole time. Almost made me uncomfortable. And you finish it with "a religious ritual" which made me feel like they would be followers in some sort of corporate cult.
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Thank you!
I intended there to be an aspect of strangeness but not of creepiness. They're just normal kids playing in my yard, but I don't know them or why they do what they do.
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The subject is great. Bringing together taxes (a very adult thing) and throwing dirt around (a very kid thing) is a fun juxtaposition, and I like that the kid thing becomes sacred in the end. I like that the narrator is separate from the action, and has to watch -- they watch adult adults, the actual old adults, doing one kind of important thing, and older kids doing a very different kind of important thing. The narrator's distance from both helps us make the comparison.
some problems: "sitting wide-eyed in his office" is a dangling modifier and it's not immediately clear whether it's referring to the children or the clients. I don't think it helps the poem out to have that ambiguity so it's best to clear that up.
I find it interesting that the narrator refers to tax stuff by its real names -- w2, deductions, etc. The narrator's ostensibly a kid watching other kids, but because they know what tax stuff is, it makes it seem like this is written from the perspective of an adult remembering a childhood memory of these kids playing.
dogtim's last comment is excellent, that of perspective: Is this an adult remembering? Or is it a child who knows specific tax terminology?
I think this is something ladyofpermutations should try to unpack further in revisions.
As an adult looking back, you know what these documents are. You also know the other kids aren't magical, that this isn't a ritual. Did child-version-of-you feel like it was a ritual?
I can't provide much more guidance than that. If, upon entering the poem again in later revisions, you are unable to discern or conclude further, I guess that's that.
But like dogtim said, it is interesting. And definitely merits at least one additional deep dive.
Finally, I feel like the title does a good job setting up the expectation of a religious ritual, so actually saying that at the end of the poem is less than effective. Maybe delve further into what these kids are doing, the ecstasy of their moment, to let that imagery convey the message.
Thank you!
Do you think it would be good to change the last line to something like "laughing at some secret"? Or would it be better to change the title, or add another stanza at the end?
Regarding the last line, I think you could end the poem with "faces toward the sun." It messes up your quatrain structure, which you could mitigate some by turning the last stanza into a couplet. Something like:
Dust down their faces -- eyes, mouths squeezed shut, faces toward the sun.
The repetition of faces is more noticeable with that example, perhaps to its detriment.
Laughing at some secret is okay, but not as strong.
All that said, I think you should try to add another stanza and see where it takes you. I don't really see a reason to change the title. Any ideas for that you'd like to share?
Thank you!
I do want the narrator to be a child. What do you think of this revision of the first stanza?
There were two of them,
the children of my father’s tax clients
who sat wide-eyed in his office
as he made his calculations.
it's better, but a young kid wouldn't say my father's tax clients, they'd say daddy's work friends do taxy time. or something. also the "who sat wide eyed" still isn't clear whether it refers to either the clients themselves or their kids.