LSD Microdose Advice - Suicidal thoughts

OK so I'm writing here because i feel as if I've hit rock bottom. 4 Months ago i had a massive mental breakdown. I'm not sure exactly what caused it. i Just remember being at work and I broke down into tears and felt as if I was going crazy. I could feel all kinds of emotions at the same time. I had constant floods of adrenaline in my body for about 2 weeks after. I was so restless and it felt like my body and mind were being chainshawed from the inside out. I had intense rapid racing thoughts (screams, lots of negative memories and suicidal thoughts all day long). Every hour for the first two months I would have uncontrollable crying fits. I felt intensely agitated all the time. Every second was psychological torture.

The first two months were horrendous. It was such a strange experience, I became hyper aware of every sensation in my body and since then I haven't felt the same. I literally feel like all my movements are robotic and I feel really detached from my body and mind, and also from life in general. During these two months I literally could not function, I was still going about day to day life but it was literally hell 24/7. I could barely focus on anything because of the intense agitation and racing thoughts. During this time I had seriously considered ending it and managed to get some nembutal online with the desire of actually ending my life. I didn't go through with this in the end.

My old personality feels very far away. Before the breakdown I was a very positive person with a lot of energy and a great love for life. I had a lot of confidence. I was however for the past two years only sleeping like 4 hours a night and everyday was pretty much on a happy high. This became more noticeable two months before the breakdown when I had come back from the US. I had tons of energy, was cycling like 10 miles a day working two jobs and bouldering like every other day. During this time I had noticed some racing thoughts at times when cycling but it was more of a flight of ideas.

Last year in the US I experimented with some psychedelics, Shrooms a few times, LSD once and didn't have a bad trip at all. They were very pleasant experiences. However with DMT I had a really intense experience where it felt as if I was being called to die so i could enter into another dimension. During the trip this felt like an enticing idea but I remember coming off the trip and being so happy to still be alive. In that sense it ended as a good trip as I felt a profound calmness and peace. Also a weird thing worth mentioning is that before the breakdown I remember having weird glimpses that the same thing was happening duiring the trip. I felt the same anxiety come up and I'm not sure if this somehow contributed to the breakdown which I had. It was as if I was entering the same reality as when I had done the DMT.

Things have gradually since the 3rd month started to get a little better in terms of my mood which was horrendously low before. The racing thoughts are still there but much quieter than before, it is almost as If I have this endless chatter going on in the background. Narrating and self monitoring my thoughts and hyper vigilant to things that I am constantly noticing. it's there whenever im doing anything. I've also have had this brain fog ever since and I'm constantly aware of it. if I get up and leave my house, By the time I've gotten to the front door it's as if my memory resets and It feels as if being in my house felt like hours ago. It feels like i've lost my connection with time. I've been prescribed an anti depressants (Mirtazipine) as the Psych diagnosed this as a mixed state agitated depression. I'm not sure if if they've helped. If anything I feel as though its numbed me down in a way that the agitation is much less. As before it was so bad I was constantly getting horrible intrusive images of me banging my head against a wall or being slit by knives. During the first two months the emotional pain was so intense these things seemed like a really good idea. (Yes i know my mental health has taken a real beating during this experience).

I feel super aware of everything that is happening and know that I was very unwell before and still tehcnically am. I'm not in the same psychological pain as before but I am still getting suicidal thoughts all throughout the day. It's as if it doesn't matter what I'm doing on the outside, there is this constant feeling of giving up. I don't know what giving up means, I am getting suicidal thoughts but In all honesty don't want to act on them. I can sometimes be having a laugh and a good time whilst still be having these wierd intrusive thoughts. My mind feels as if it's going to be stuck this way and is struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel. A friend of mine suggested microdosing with LSD as it has helped with anxiety and depression. I'm aware that my mental health is in abit of a shamble at the moment but I could do with some help as I am pretty desperate at the moment. I feel worn out having to face these thoughts and intense emotions everyday.

I appreciate anyone who reads and replies regarding with microdosing with LSD. Thanks!