Day 1.

Had to wash my hair 3 times this morning to rid it of the overwhelming stench of vomit.

(Obligatory mobile formatting disclaimer).

I'm a 23 year old female with a family history of alcoholism, though my dad has been sober for around 20 years or so.

Over the last year and a half I've made a bad habit of getting blackout drunk on one of my days off, starting off in a good mood, and then absolutely LOSING IT. It just "clicks" and I become a different person. I'll start accusing my fiancé of "being mean", I'll say how done I am with "the way he treats me", when in reality he treats me with the utmost love and patience despite the fact that I just keep repeating this pattern of abuse. I'll scream at him, I'll sob for hours, I'll slam doors. A couple of times I've just walked out of the house and sat in the alleyway behind our backyard, which is flanked by abandoned houses and crawling with homeless drug addicts. I've punched walls, I've thrown my engagement ring at him, I slapped him across the face on New Years Eve.

Last night, I don't even remember what triggered it. I remember walking home from the bowling alley with my fiancé, wasted, but happy.

I remember being in the kitchen, and I think he was holding my arms so I would stop trying to push him or something.

I remember yelling, a lot-- what about I have no idea, and I remember loudly saying "BYE" before walking out the back door (shoeless?) and sitting on the back porch of an abandoned building next door that's usually full of homeless people. I remember I couldn't believe this was happening, and repeatedly hitting the back of my head on the wall behind me. I remember walking back through the backyard and my fiancé was just standing there on the deck, waiting for me, or looking for me, or just staring into the night, I don't know. I went and laid down, he stayed up and did the dishes.

I just kept crying.

I punched the wall so hard a picture fell down and my knuckles are purple and swollen today.

In my final blaze of rock bottom glory, something that has never happened to me before happened. I threw up in my sleep, lying on my back. I didn't even notice, I just remember waking up choking and drooling and gasping before falling back asleep. I didn't notice until my fiancé walked in and said "Oh my God". It was everywhere. My hair was stuck to my face, just caked with puke.

I woke up this morning, washed the sheets, looked at my swollen eyes and bruised knuckles, and told myself I can't keep doing this. I won't keep doing this.

Today is day 1.