I can't shake the feeling

My ex and I were long distance. She recently broke up with me and I'm still incredibly devastated. We were going to try to be friends but it just didn't work out, and now we can't even talk to each other. She doesn't want to be my best friend anymore and I don't understand why. She told me so many time how she never wanted me out of her life but didn't do anything to stop me when I told her I couldn't be her friend if she wasn't going to put the effort in.

I miss her. I can't even describe how much. She was everything. The other half of the puzzle that's my heart. We were going to get married once I finished school. Now she doesn't even talk to me and I don't know what I'm doing without her. I can't move on. I tried. So hard. I've tried and I've been trying and I'm still trying but I just can't. She was my best friend and now she's not and that's not okay with me. But she doesn't want to be my best friend. She doesn't want to be my friend at all. She won't do anything to be my friend.

She's been seeing someone else. She told me she has an obligation to him. But what about me. What about the obligation to the one who spent the last 2.5 years doing everything I could to get her attention, to make sure she knew she was the most important person in my life? What about the obligation to the one she said she wanted to marry and have a life with? What about the one who would do anything just to get a smile. Just to get a laugh or a glance or even a second of her attention.

I don't know what I'm doing without her. I don't eat anymore. Maybe a meal every two days. I don't sleep well. Every time I go to sleep it's either a nightmare or it's a dream about her, which I get to wake up from and realize she's not here, and realize I'm living in the real nightmare.

I want to hold her again but I know I never will. I want to hear her voice again and see her smile at me. I want to feel her hand in mine. But I never will. I had all these dreams for our future that won't ever come true because we don't have a future. There's so much I wanted to do with her and say to her and prove to her that I never will get the chance to. I'll never be able to go back to her city again, let alone move there and live there. I'll never be able to hold her face in my hands and tell her that I love her and I'd die for her. I can't. She doesn't want that and I still don't know why. She said she did and all of the sudden, she doesn't.

I hate myself. For letting her go. For not doing more to keep her. I can never know if she'll ever come back into my life or if I'm never going to see her again, unless I just keep moving forward. But I don't want to. I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to live my life without her. It isn't my life if she isn't in it. I hate myself for not being everything she wanted. For not being more. I look at myself and all I want to do is just jump in front of a train. It's not worth it without her. Life isn't worth it if you don't have the people you love beside you.

I want another chance but I know she'll never want to give it to me. She'll never want to be with me again. I know she hasn't wanted to be with me for a long time.

Suicide scares me. But with every day that passes, the more I think about it. The more I look forward to no longer existing. All I do is disappoint people. My family, my ex, my friends, myself. I know one day I'll get to the point where I just can't put anyone else through this. I know one day I'm just going to close me eyes and jump. Or just get in the car and drive myself off a bridge. Thinking about it is comforting. Thinking about just ceasing to be is comforting. No one else would have to hurt for me. No one else would have to suffer because of me. And then my ex will finally be rid of me. Completely. She won't have to worry about me contacting her again, trying to be in her life. She'll be free to do whatever she wants without me. Without any interference at all.

I need a hug so bad. I need someone to hold me. I wish someone would tell me I'm not a failure. That I'll see her again and things will be better. That I'll have another chance with her. That it will work out the way I'd hoped. But there's only one person who could ever help the hurt I'm feeling and she doesn't want to. Why should she even have to? I'm just another broken person who will bring more pain. I'm better off dead in a ditch somewhere and I know it. She's better off without me.

I've been trying to shake the feeling but I just can't, no matter how hard I try. I've been trying to move on but I can't. She's always on my mind. She's everything to me and I'm nothing to her. Not even a friend. I'm just some guy who could never have been enough. I thought love was something to enjoy. To appreciate. To fight for. Every time I try to, I just hurt everyone around me, and I hurt myself. Part of me wishes I'd never met her so that I wouldn't have hurt her. So that I wouldn't have had to watch her fall out of love with me. So I wouldn't have to know what life is like without her in it. It's not worth it, even for a second. She'd have been better off without me. She is better off without me. That's why I know I won't get another chance.

I want it to stop. I want all the hurt and the pain to stop. I want to be able to wake up and smile again. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I see. But I do. I only know two ways that I can stop that and one of them probably won't ever be possible.

I wish I could go back. I wish I could relive the last two and a half years for the rest of my life. At least one more time. Another try to make fewer mistakes. To do better. To be more than what I am. I'm lost without her.