Me [22M], depressed and going through alot. With my friend [22F] of 7 years. Friendship has a messy past due to feelings and poor communication skills. She offered to talk about anything if i wanted to. Should i? [Wall-Of-Text]

The Backstory

I'll try to be quick with the back story. We met online(Have never met irl) back when we were 15/16. Instantly clicked and very quickly found out we "liked" each other. So the "friendship" has always had a flirty undertone to it and after about a year it really felt like (to me) we would be dating if we were close enough IRL. But our communication skills were shit and eventually that caught up. I liked her more than she liked me and so the typical, she pulled back, i pushed harder trend happened. Things slowly went sideways and when i was 18, i moved out and was in a position to see if we would work IRL. I thought things would get better with this but they got worse and i eventually called it quits and went no contact when i was 19.

The NC lasted for about 2 years until we re-added each other on facebook and started to catch up. Everything was super platonic in these conversations. They actually felt very monotone, almost scripted. So we would talk and catch up maybe once every 4-5 weeks. That went on for a few months. One night we started talking about how we used to be. we ended up talking on the phone and then next thing you knew we were phone calls/skype/texting as much as we could again. My feelings came flooding back and at the same time something very stressful happened to her and she just shut down. I was 120% hands on deck ready to help and again, i pushed too hard, she only shut down even more. I freaked out like a chicken with its head cutoff spewing emotions everywhere. After i calmed down, waited a bit and then asked if we could talk about whats going on, she bailed 3 times and after that i pretty much just gave up.

We never removed each other from social medias after that, so a month or two of silence later we slowly built back up to liking/tagging each other in facebook posts again and some snapchat. Nowadays there at least some kinda of snapchat/facebook activity between us everyday or every other day but no real conversations between us.

Present Day

Ok, so present day. I've been going through a lot of things. A lot more than im ever used to happening at once and my depression kinda took over and it hasnt been easy trying to get out it. The last few weeks have been particularly hard because im at the point where im aware of the depression and what its doing, and i know exactly what i need/should do to get out of this. but i just cant. That depression blanket is just weighing me down killing all motivation, desire, will to do or change anything.

Today

Now to Today. She kept prying (which isnt normal) about a snapchat asking why i was trying to move out of my dads place. So i told her we've been kinda butting heads and that my depression (Having to move back home and not even have my own room is a big part of the depression) has been a really bad lately. So she offered to talk about anything if i wanted. I kinda froze and just made up and excuse about not feeling it tonight but i might take a rain check on that. Then i ran here as fast as i could to ask you guys what to do lol.

How i feel about her and the question:

I wanted nothing more than to call her right then and rant the entire last few months away. She was my best friend for almost 4 years and is still the best best-friend ive ever had. Even tops my childhood best friend i had for over a decade lol. We helped each other through some of our personally hardest times and congratulated each other through our accomplishments. Even for the last few months ive been wanting to reach out and ask for a friend.

BUT

Im fucking terrified of getting close to her again. Out biggest fault has always been communication. We NEVER had any serious conversations about "us". Whether it was about how we felt about each other in the great times, or if it was about why things started to go sideways, or hey we haven't talked in 2 years. Nothing.

To this day it still drives me insane that i hardly have her side of the story to all the things we went through. I know it kinda sounds like closure but it feels more like the opposite to me (?). If we were never to talk again and i don't get the "closure", fine whatever. Been there done that, it fucking sucks but i've already proven its do-able.

But if we do continue to talk and become closer friends again, i want to be able to talk about all that stuff. I want good and open communication. There are things that she did that really hurt me and i don't feel like i want an apology out of her or anything. But i just want to be able to talk about it. I want to call her a dipshit and tell her how uncool it was for her to do this and that. I want to apologize my self for acting like a dumbass all the times that i did.

Most importantly i want our current and future friendship to be solid. I don't want to constantly be afraid of issue coming up between us causing the whole thing to fall apart and crumble just because we couldn't talk about something again.

TL;DR

Old friendship that has had its issues with feelings and communication has offered its help during a hard time for me. I would like nothing more than to accept but im scared of getting close, only to watch it crumble again due to the same communication issues.

Thoughts?