I feel so weak

I'm the one who messed up the marriage. My husband left me and kicked me out. I can't blame him for his decision. I cheated and lied. I hate myself for hurting the person I love the most so badly. I know I have a lot of things I need to fix within myself if I ever want to be happy or love again. Thing is, I don't want to love again. I've known this man for over ten years. He's the only person I've ever loved. I'm taking steps in the right direction. Seeking therapy, doing research, and working out. It doesn't seem like there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Even when I do become happy with myself, it's still a life without him. Every day is a challenge. I feel lost and then I find peace and then lost again. I don't know what to do.