My life has gone to shit

I have been struggling with depression and thoughts of suicide since I was about 13 years old. Unhappy childhood, my dad drank alot and was very aggressive and hateful towards me and he still is.

Lately my life has taken a turn for the much worse, me and a couple of my colleagues at work did something very stupid and we got caught. We had no idea that what we were doing was illegal, but alas it was... Me and another colleague were fired instantly. When I found out that we could be facing criminal charges my heart dropped to the floor. Just the thought of being summoned to a police interrogation makes me want to slit my throat with a dull knife... I have never before been involved in anything illegal, and now I might be facing time in prison...

Only a week after I was fired my grandma passed away, and my grandad passed away in april of last year. The past three months have been nothing but extreme anxiety, self-harm, depression, constant panic attacks, sleepless nights. Now I have no job and no energy to look for a new one. I decided to purchase a lethal dose of pills from darknet to use in case if I get contacted by the police...

How the hell am I supposed to get through this? The wait for what will happen next is destroying me completely.